Movie Review: "The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies; Or, How I Learned to Stop Smaug and Love Middle-Earth"

This movie—I just . . . I can't even. What a film! And that's just the title alone, which is marvelous.

About my viewing experience today: Sometimes, one of the best parts of going to see a movie in the theater is listening to the very audible reactions of the people around you (as long as they don't distract, of course). The lady seated behind us had the most hysterical laugh—risa que da risa, as the Peruvians say—heard, for example, during the scene in which the cheese-head orc (yes, really; this orc looked like it was a very upset Green Bay Packers fan) ran headfirst into a wall to break a hole through it.

I guess you had to be there.

All right, so . . . Before we go any further: SPOILER ALERT. (You'd think that would be obvious when you're reviewing a movie, but hey . . . some people. Am I right?)

 - In the previous two movies, we had Radagast and his rabbit-driven sled. In this one, we also have an elf riding a moose and dwarves riding rams—'cause they're RAM TOUGH! (rim shot)

 - The dwarves' hair was styled by the same barber who cut the hair of infamous '80s band A Flock of Seagulls. Well, at least some of them.

 - Gingers get angry, and they will not be stopped (Galadriel, Tauriel). Galadriel goes full girl-from-The Ring-crazy in one scene.

 - Christopher Lee has pretty sweet fighting moves for a 92-year-old guy.

 - Literally dozens of people are rescued from imminent doom at EXACTLY THE VERY LAST POSSIBLE SECOND.

 - Speaking of last-minute rescues, I think I figured out why the eagles keep appearing when they do to help save the day. The eagle is the symbol of the United States, right? Well, the U.S. didn't make it into World War I until 1917 and, later on, World War II until late 1941 (after more than two years of fighting). Those Americans are always arriving late. (Nevertheless, they do help to save everybody.)

 - Near the end of the film, Merry (Dominic Monaghan), from the first Middle-Earth trilogy, makes a very brief cameo appearance when Bilbo returns to the Shire. I later verified this in the IMDB trivia section because, hey, slow news day. You can see him on the bottom-right of the screen, walking away from Bag End.

None of this is meant to come across as any sort of a complaint. It's just Paco's unique take on things, because that's the kind of Sensitive New Age Guy he is.

Can't wait for The Hobbit 4!