Solitude

Toward the end of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, the burden of carrying the ring has already taken its toll on poor Frodo. Boromir approaches him and says:

"I know why you seek solitude. You suffer; I see it day by day. You sure you do not suffer needlessly? There are other ways, Frodo, other paths that we might take."

I know of a surety that the Dementors in the Harry Potter universe, for example, represent J.K. Rowling's own battle with depression during her life. I think this is quite an accurate representation. I don't, however, know all of the symbolism involved in the One Ring and its ill effects on Frodo's body and soul in the LOTR trilogy, though many comparisons that can be made to depression, as well as to chronic pain and other challenges.

One of the end results for many who battle depression, indeed, is to seek solitude. It has happened rather subtly over the years, but I see it in my own life when I don't even realize I'm seeking out solitude. Or, in other words, to just be left alone.

Some nights, I'm just not up for the social scene. I can't do it. Perhaps that's why I'm here alone on a Monday night pouring these thoughts onto a blog that maybe a few dozen will read, and that part doesn't really matter; I mainly write for myself so my brain doesn't explode under the weight of the ring I carry myself.

The irony, to me, is that much of the time, and in the big picture, I don't like to be alone nor do I want to ultimately be alone, either. I'm reminded of this weekly with my friends and colleagues on the Island of Misfit Toys, most of who crave companionship and are doing everything they can think of to remedy the situation, often ending in disappointment. (I say "most"; but that is a topic for another day and post.)

The Lord alone knows how very many, many times I have prayed, wished, sacrificed, gone out of my comfort zone to meet new people, and have tried time and again to improve my own situation. Sometimes, I feel when a relationship ends that all I'm left with is the option of disappointing someone new, and that's as good as things may ever get. That I just can't wait to get hurt again. But I am where I am nevertheless, though not through a lack of trying.

Fortunately, Boromir was right about one thing: There are other paths you can take, even though it requires a great deal of patience. And the righteous desires of our heart do matter, in spite of our imperfections and not seeing the results we want when we want to see them.

"For I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts" (D&C 137:8-9).

Where am I going with this? I don't rightly know. It's still a long walk to Mordor.