One item I do not I believe I addressed fully at the time of my initial blog post on this talk was the topic of fear. At that time, Elder Oaks spoke of a conversation he had with someone who had fulfilled a Church calling to minister to the inmates at one of the LDS branches at a local correctional facility (AKA "jail"). The lesson that he taught us from this experience, as I recall, was: "There are more shackles on singles in the Church than there are on these prisoners, all because of fear." (Those were my notes from that night, so I may be paraphrasing the exact quote.)
The question that I am then led to, and which I put to my fellow mid-singles is: What, exactly, are you afraid of?
Certainly, many of us fear being vulnerable and putting ourselves "out there" in pursuit of a relationship only to fall flat on our faces yet again. For some of us mid-singles, this might feel like it has happened not only hundreds but instead thousands of times by this point. This feeling of frustration creates a term I call Rejection Burnout. (Don't worry, single friends in your teens and/or early twenties; you still have plenty of chances for heartbreak ahead of you.)
I'm only kidding about that last comment. Partly.
Others, I believe, fear not rejection but actually fear being successful. In other words, they've become used to being independent rather than what would be a better option: becoming "interdependent" with another.
"Interdependence is the kind of life the Lord desires for us," Elder Oaks taught.
Further, he added: "We have to be careful when we are single and we don't have a spouse to steady us, that we are not unduly influenced by worldly messages. For example, the world seeks and honors the accumulation of money, property, car, home travel, graduation before marriage, etc."
If I understood the message correctly, being successful, then, might put a damper on some of these pursuits.
In my own brainstorming, I've come up with a few other possible fears, and they include: social anxiety; self-esteem challenges; and health or financial difficulties.
If there are other fears I've failed to include here, well, please include them in the comments. I'd love to hear your point-of-view. Or talk to me about them in person over a froyo (your treat, of course!).In addition, we singles, at this time of year, are bombarded with messages about how wonderful and great it is to be in love, and it comes in many forms. It's the songs about riding in one-horse open sleighs, letting it snow outside while staying indoors to cuddle, or going outdoors in the cold and getting married by snowmen acting as wedding officiators (which is, apparently, a thing). It's the countless Hallmark movies (which, admittedly, are one of my guilty pleasures) about people finding that special someone at long last under the mistletoe or in some other filmed-in-Canada location made to look like a setting somewhere in the United States. It's also possibly in the form of seeing others who have already been granted the blessing we desire to have, who get to enjoy it with their spouses, children, pets, etc. All of these can lead to some sort of envy.
In the movie Roxanne (which is not a Christmas movie, though I think the sentiment is applicable), C.D. Bales, he of the big nose, portrayed by Steve Martin, laments:
"Sometimes I take a walk at night, and I see couples walking, holding hands, and I look at them, and I think: 'Why not me?' Then I catch my shadow on the wall."
Maybe it's not a "shadow on the wall" that causes you and me this grief but (X) worry or concern, (Y) health or financial challenge, or (Z) other issue entirely out of our control.
What I'm getting at with this, and why I bring it up during the Christmas season, to boot, is that the angels who visited the shepherds and other witnesses of the birth of the Christ child began their proclamations with two simple but powerful words:
"Fear not."
"I don't have the answers," types a single guy wondering about these very things in his own life. But, as for myself, I've committed this holiday season to focusing on controlling some of the things I do have control over, and one of them is to do my level best to follow the Church's "Light the World" campaign, which is a wonderful initiative. It encourages us to perform one act of service or kindness every day in December. (But, if you can, why limit it to just one?) I've already tried a few things that were out of my comfort zone, and I'm looking to try a few others in the days ahead, including anonymously done deeds for family, friends, and neighbors.
If you're feeling down and out this Christmas season, whatever the reason(s), I invite you to join in on the fun and to see what miracles, small or large, occur in your life as a result.
I don't understand many of the reasons behind my own challenges right now, and I surely don't understand yours (although I'm willing to try), but I join with the prophet Nephi in proclaiming that "I know (Heavenly Father) loveth his children" (1 Nephi 11:17). And as Tiny Tim observed, I believe He does and will "bless us, every one" in ways we may not now expect as we strive to serve His children in whichever way His Spirit prompts us to do so.
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