Dating: Impossible

Good evening, Paco. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go on a date. Should you not completely botch that up, you might even someday attempt to get a second date or, heaven help us, the delusion you've had for decades now that even a relationship is possible. Let alone anything further than that.

As always, should you choose someone in your ward, or anyone else you might see on a regular basis, and any of your I.M. Force (also you) be caught saying something unintentionally stupid, thus forever putting you in the Friend or Stranger Zone, your date will disavow any knowledge of your actions and will ignore/avoid you, and possibly unfriend you on Facebook. This tape will self-destruct in five or ten minutes. Good luck, Paco.

First, though, let me rewind the tape a bit and explain where I'm coming from today.

Last weekend, as in two weekends ago now, we castaways on the Island of Misfit Toys, aka the mid-singles, the Left Behind, or the Leper Colony, took part in an annual mid-singles conference, which involved people from all over Utah, as well as folks from out of state, and even people out of the country. Those who organized it did a phenomenal job of putting things together and delivered an excellent product.

The event concluded Sunday night with a fireside at the Ute 'tute, at which I'm told 2,500 attended. The featured speakers were Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and his wife, Kristen. I was seated in the overflow, about a half-mile back from the pulpit, but technically I was in the same room as a dedicated servant of the Lord and his wonderful, insightful spouse, and we received some very helpful, very meaningful counsel.

To make a long story even longer, and I promise I'm going somewhere with this, Elder Oaks read as part of his presentation a number of letters from current and former mid-singles who, like many of us, struggle(d) with the dating scene. All but one of the letters Elder Oaks read were from the female point-of-view, I believe. One of the letters touched on what Elder Oaks called the "Peter Pan syndrome," which means that the whole dating thing largely isn't happening, and hanging out is the norm, because many men are selfish, immature individuals who instead of growing up and taking on adult responsibilities are far more concerned with "the accumulation of money, property, car, home, travel, graduation before marriage, etc." than in building a lifetime with someone else. For the first time in our country's history, he said, there are more single adults than married adults, and this concerns the Brethren.

When conversations like these arise about why dating isn't happening, single guys like myself often see the finger of blame (and not always of encouragement) pointed at us, in this and many other settings. And this is because many years ago, sometime after Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden, men lost a Rock-Paper-Scissors game to women and got stuck with the responsibility of being the gender that has to make that move and shoulders that responsibility, and thus it has been ever since.

Elder Oaks is correct, of course. I see a lot of men doing the Peter Pan thing, and I can empathize with the frustration that many ladies must feel about priesthood inaction, so to speak. So, we should own that, collectively speaking, guys. This counsel and message are intentionally given, and should be.

Nevertheless, there are always two sides to a story—are there not? Believe it or not, there are those of us who are actually trying to break out of the mold, who are trying not to be Peter Pans. We've been trying for years now, because we heard these same messages as young single adults and have been dating, or at least trying to date, for years—long before we washed up on the shore of the Island of Misfit Toys. And we are frustrated, too.

Why? Because we often feel like we are caught in a darned-if-you-don't, darned-if-you-do, no-win, catch-22 situation. We hear these calls to date, and we make an effort, and yet the end results of our attempts often leave us feeling even more disillusioned with the whole horrible, gut-wrenching process. We hear our fellow female singles wondering why they don't have dates, and after we've done what we think they asked for and have asked them out or gone on a date, we are often left feeling like asking you out was one of the most offensive things we could possibly do.

Let me stress: This particular message is largely given, I believe—and as a contrast to the intentionally given counsel from Elder Oaks—unintentionally. I'm not trying to offend or alienate anyone here, let alone my own dating pool. And I realize that I may be treading in shallow waters.

Let me give you a few examples of what I mean.

I have previously posted here on Paco Nation about the problems of approachability with some and in trying to get to know those who just don't come to activities or who appear to evacuate the building like it's on fire after church meetings conclude. We can't proceed to the dating stage if you just don't show up or if we otherwise don't get a chance to meet you first. Sometimes, even getting the privilege just to talk to some of you—and it is a privilege—can be very difficult.

In addition, we live with the conflicting messages. One side of society tells us to get busy and to get dating already, OK? The other side keeps reminding us that we're nincompoops, which can put us between a rock and hard place, self-esteem wise. As another single woman put it in a different letter Elder Oaks read: "All of the single men are like parking spots: either handicapped or far out." This is how society portrays us sometimes, and it isn't exactly inspiring once the laughter has died down.

Once we've passed the stage of getting to know you, getting to know at least a little bit about you, getting an actual date with you is not always a guarantee. A fellow single friend of mine recently lamented that he had gone on two dates the previous month, but that was after he had asked out 10 girls. To use a different Rodgers and Hammerstein reference: Sometimes, some of you can be a girl who cain't say yes.

After an actual date has taken place, getting a second date can often be as difficult, if not more difficult, than getting the first one. There are a handful female acquaintances in my ward who will no longer speak to me, for whatever reason. My offense, as far as I can gather, is my last previous social interaction with them, which was having taken them out on a date. Before going on a date, I got along swimmingly with these people. I daresay we were friends even. But now, these few go out of their way to avoid or ignore me.

So, you see, the message—once again, unitentionally—is that having taken you out is possibly the most offensive thing I could've done. The message can be: Ask for a date, lose a friend. Maybe it was a glance, a bad joke, paying with a coupon instead of forking out a whole $50 for dinner—something I've unintentionally done has disqualified me from future social interaction, and I don't know what it is or was.

For the life of me, I don't know why this phenomenon occurs or why this approach is considered more "kind" than taking perhaps 10 to 15 uncomfortable seconds to to tell me something akin to: "I just don't feel any chemistry with you"; "I had a good time with you, but I don't see a relationship going anywhere"; "I don't wanna kill you, but I will"; or some other message that leaves no possible room for misunderstanding. But instead, we play the avoid and ignore game. Society teaches us that this is "kind."  I saw the same thing occur in my YSA ward, and I see it now.

Well, that's all of the potentially-offensive-but-I-sincerely-don't-mean-it-that-way stuff I've got for now. If you have made it to this point, fellow Misfit Toys (and others), thank you for bearing with me, and I welcome your input/feedback. I realize that the bemoaning-your-singleness approach does not necessarily attract people, so I really don't intend to do this type of thing often.

I also urge you to consider that just because you may have read something that doesn't fit your experience doesn't mean that my experiences and frustrations aren't valid, just as your experiences and frustrations are plenty valid. I guarantee you that many other active LDS single men feel this way, because we have conversations about these frustrations frequently.

I cannot judge anyone else's motivations or intents, because they are known to only that person. I can, however, report on observed patterns of behavior and express how they have affected me, and I feel that's what I'm doing with this post. I'm not pointing fingers at any one person, let alone am I trying to malign the female gender. You confuse me sometimes, and I'm trying to understand why you do what you do sometimes.

Of course, if the real issue is you're just not getting asked out by the men you want to ask you out, rather than single men in general, you might try, I don't know, asking them out yourself and seeing where that leads. It is possible, and it's not viewed negatively by us gents. I recently got asked out on a lovely picnic prepared by a sister in my ward, and together we enjoyed a most pleasant afternoon together. It was thoughtfully done and was a wonderful gesture. And we have even had some conversations together after this social outing, too.

So, ladies, what I'm saying overall is: Please be kind to your active LDS single male friends who are trying not to be Peter Pans. According to conference attendance figures, we may even be an endangered species; I'm told that single women outnumbered single men at a 7-to-1 ratio.

With that plea for kindness, I remind you that we're trying (not always succeeding, but trying), per the Golden Rule, to be kind to you in return, because you are wonderful; and not to quote One Direction or anything, but sometimes you really don't know how amazing you truly are. Sometimes, you perplex the snot out of us, and trying to understand the feminine mystique remains one of life's greatest mysteries, but you really are wonderful. I look around me at the wonderful ladies in my ward each week and the recurring thought is that there are still so many of you I'd like to get to know if given the chance.

If any of you, with total recall abilities, bring up that certain Tuesday back in 2003 or 2007 when I said this or did that, and it left you feeling this way about me, well, I validate that. Our actions have consequences, whether intentional or unintentional. I'm not perfect, nor am I claiming perfection here, and neither are you. But together, with understanding and with effort, perhaps we can still somehow form a more perfect union.

*KABOOOOOM*