Self-Esteem and Dating . . . and Fathers Day

As I've mentioned previously here on Paco Nation, we males may often find ourselves in a no-win situation in the eyes of a certain culture within our church.

On the one hand, this crowd (1) observes that marriage is either not happening like it used to statistically or is being delayed like never before, and (2) blames the men for it all. You're not dating, men. You're hanging out instead and being selfish and wasting time, and you should be dating. (To be fair, some guys, though not all, have this attitude, and this is criticism is warranted to some extent.) On the other hand, this same culture, whether purposefully or indirectly, also sends out another message, which is that men are inept, bumbling morons whose efforts at dating fall far short of what is wanted, expected, and/or needed.

In other words, collectively speaking, we're danged if we do and danged if we don't. Whatever you do or don't do, guys, your efforts (or lack of them) are wrong.

Society has even redefined the meaning of marriage and parents so that men and fathers are not only optional in family relationships but also totally unnecessary. Just this afternoon I read a "celebrity" tweet: "You don't need a father; so many families work so many ways." This in spite of overwhelming, abundant data from social scientists that fathers are the number-one critical element in preventing or reducing childhood poverty, violent crime, and a host of other ills in our day.

Anyway, getting back to my initial point: I think one of the largely unaddressed and underlying products of this danged-if-you-do-or-don't phenomenon is a number of men who suffer from low self-esteem, and this, rather than selfishness or pride, can often be the underlying cause behind their lack of action when it comes to dating. I feel like I've been one of them. And I can guarantee you there are many in my ward and among my circle of single male friends who feel this way and are frustrated and downtrodden by it. Their confidence in themselves is gone. Some have even become so idle with despair at the whole ugly mess that they have given up trying altogether.

That is why, I think, sometimes men don't know how to react when they finally meet someone who is genuinely interested in them romantically. They've become so disillusioned by this point and are so used to rejection and the messages that they're all nincompoops that they no longer know how to interact with the single ladies nor do they really find it worth the potential criticism and the effort.

They become like the person in Groucho Marx's infamous quip: "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." Their self-loathing message can become: Who would want to date me? I'm worthless.

I bring this up today partially because it's Fathers Day. It's my first one since I lost my dad, and it's a tender one. I find myself reflecting on all of the good things he was and is and the many good things he showed and taught me. As his son, my eyes were often wide open to his faults during my growing-up years. I'm grateful for a day like today in which we can all take time out and praise the good, worthy men in our lives, be they our fathers, father figures, or future fathers.

In addition, I mention these things because I have been one who has suffered from low self-esteem. Over time, I have endured one upon another assault on my self-worth. I've been subjected to not one, not two, but three awful experiences of being repeatedly and relentlessly bullied by other males, and to this day I'm still working through them. I've seen my mistakes pointed out, magnified, and ridiculed by others. I've looked into the mirror and been saddened by what I see.

And yet my message to my fellow guys, in spite of it all, is: Carry on. I know it's hard to love yourself for all of the good qualities you possess, but try to focus on those things. They matter far, far more than your deficiencies, whatever they may be. Someday, you will meet someone who makes you feel wonderful about yourself in spite of your past and present insecurities.

At present, I count myself fortunate to find myself in such a dating relationship. Someone by whom I've been incredibly, unbelievably blessed. She frequently lets me know that I have great worth in her eyes. When one of my weaknesses or challenges makes itself known, things that were dealbreakers for others, she is patient, charitable, and kind. When I worry about things, she tells me, "We'll get through this." She is someone with whom I have both laughed and cried. She makes me want to be better than I am, yet she also sees the good that I have now. As any gentleman would endeavor to do, I try to treat her the same way.

From a guy who has struggled with multiple issues of self-esteem, I'll give out a nickel's worth of free advice to any of my single female friends who may be reading this post: If you want to improve your chances of getting asked out more than you do at present, do whatever you can to make the object of your affection feel good about himself. Pay attention to him. Listen. Give him a compliment. Be sincere. When necessary, be direct. Try to be patient with his faults, and focus on his good qualities. If he has a brain on his shoulders, he'll respond in kind and will treat you the same way.

Happy Fathers Day, guys.