Seven Years ... and No Itch

Friday, April 18, marked seven wonderful years together for the Plowbuckles. Just how has she put up with me for that long? I may never find out.

We began our day with a sealing session at the beautiful Layton LDS temple (pictured above). That was followed by lunch at Red Robin. Then we (finally) watched Wicked—the motion picture—which neither of us had previously seen (though JB has seen the stage musical three times). It was a perfect day together with my favorite person.

2020 Vision

For one of my first clichéd and/or peer-inspired posts of the year 2020, here's one about goals.

The end of a calendar year/start of a new one is a good time for assessment of where one has been and where one is going. It must be, I guess, because I've been seeing a lot of "decade-in-review" posts by family and friends on social media lately. (These are great, by the way.)

As for me: It was just a few, short years ago that my life was a bit of a country song, minus the obsession with beer and dirty boots. I was living in the basement at my brother's house. I had a job but was somewhat underemployed; probably not coincidentally, I was in some degree of debt. My car was on its last legs and would soon die forever. I was active in my LDS singles (social) group, and though I wasn't technically inactive in the ward where I attended church, I was going through a period of time when I was less involved in my discipleship than I had been at better times. I was also in my 30s and was frustrated and despondent after decades of dating, which seemed to have led to only futility.

In short, I wasn't happy with a lot of things. This brother of mine cared enough about me to sit down with me and ask me how I felt about these matters, and also what I wanted to do about changing them.

With his help, I set some goals: Get a full-time job. Simultaneously, save money/get out of debt/get a better car. Move out into an apartment or home. Recommit to attending all of my Sunday meetings, and actually serve in my ward calling instead of just being there. Be worthy of a temple recommend, and use it. Oh yeah---get married. (I used to lose sleep over this last one, because it's just about the hardest one of all; you can't reach this goal on your own!)

It wasn't enough to set these goals (some of which took months to complete, while others took years); I also set weekly and daily goals (spending a certain amount of time daily and weekly job searching and interviewing, for example) to make them happen. My brother then followed up with me as those days and weeks went by.

Not too long ago, I spent some one-on-one time with this brother, who brought up the goals and reminded me that I had achieved every one of them.

I have been working full-time for a number of years now. I have been out of debt for over four years, and I bought a new (used) car. I rarely use a credit card and try to pay cash/use debit for things when and wherever possible (I highly recommend this). By recommitting myself to fully participate in my church meetings, I met my wife in the new singles ward I joined, and we were sealed in the temple. We are both active in our current ward and love serving and being served by the good people in it. We share a wonderful home together, which we are currently in the process of remodeling and furnishing.

Perhaps I have a friend or friends reading this who are wondering something like, Well, that's all well and good for you, but I'm never going to find (job) or (wife/husband) or (fill in the blank). I'm tired of giving and giving and failing every time, and I don't want to give any more. To that I say, I understand, because I've been where you've been. I was that way for a long time. To a large degree, I now understand that it was negative thought patterns of depression that caused me to feel and think that way.

It was a very wise man who taught that "the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself ... and not to be acted upon" (2 Nephi 2:16, 26).

Ultimately, we have to decide to take charge of the things we can control and act for ourselves. That requires a lot of effort, obstacles, failure, trying again, failure, more obstacles, trying again, rinse, and repeat.

When it comes to those d- and m-words (dating and marriage)---those can be some of the toughest and cruelest battles of all. Once again, they require another person's own free will, someone who will choose to want to be you. You can't make people like you (confound that precious free agency!), but you can cultivate your character and do other things to make yourself more likable. Your chances of attracting someone with the same goals also rise significantly if you put yourself in places (cough singles wards cough) to meet such a person. Though you can't control when you'll marry, you can control whether you are worthy to marry in the temple.

Conversely, if you don't put yourself in those kinds of places or stop trying altogether, your chances of being successful in dating plummet significantly. A number of friends my age, I fear, have reached this point or have already been there for years, and my heart breaks for you. If my humble story is worth anything to those friends, I plead with you to do yourself a favor and try again. It is the only way to succeed, even though there are indeed careless people who may yet still toss your heart into a crock pot and slow roast it ... like careless people do.

It's been said that hindsight is 20/20, and to a large extent, I can look back and see now how I was being blessed amid the frustration and the setbacks. I look at those past few years, and they've gone by somewhat quickly in a way. The Lord has promised, "I will order all things for your good, as fast as ye are able to receive them" (D&C 111:11). If I hadn't been ready to move quickly when some of those opportunities came up, I might have missed one or more!

Divinely Assigned Guardians

I remember when the Church's Family Proclamation was first announced. It was September 1995, and I had been serving in the mission field in Peru for just over four months. President Gordon B. Hinckley read the document in the women's meeting prior to general conference.

Among other principles, the Proclamation, just the fifth of its kind ever produced by the leaders of the Church, read that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God" and "gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." Our mission president loved every word of it, and so did we. He gave us several copies of it so each companionship in the mission could distribute them to the people with whom we came in contact on a daily basis. It opened a lot of doors for us in our work.

The thing of it is: Everyone we met agreed completely with its teachings and accepted them as universal truths. Nobody had any problem with it, be they members of the Church or non-members.

Flash forward to 2019, not even a quarter of a century later, and we're in a completely different world. Merely repeating the teachings of the Family Proclamation is basically now hate speech and bigotry in the view of many of those in the Great and Spacious Building. I'm disappointed to observe that many of those upset with the Proclamation and the Church's teachings are those who would describe themselves as active members of the Church.

President Dallin H. Oaks speaks on this subject frequently, including at the latest general conference just a few weeks ago. In his latest "controversial" message, "Two Great Commandments," he taught:

"Marriage was ordained by God! And to this day it is defined by Him as being between a man and a woman. God has not changed His definition of marriage. ... Eternal life includes the creative powers inherent in the combination of male and female."

For those familiar with the doctrine of the Church, there are no new concepts here. And yet the backlash came, almost predictably, of Church members critical of Pres. Oaks and apologizing for the Church, its leaders, and its teachings. I observed a number of these conversations on social media, and when I dared speak in defense of Pres. Oaks, I was told by multiple people I was "behaving reprehensibly," that I was not following my covenants to love others, and worse.

It's almost as if Isaiah foresaw this when he wrote: "For they shall be ashamed of the oaks" (Isaiah 1:29).

A friend of mine---one who, like me, sustains Pres. Oaks---wrote: "I believe Pres. Oaks has chosen to follow the example of Abinadi, being a willing sacrifice, laying his life and reputation on the altar for the cause of truth, taking the heat (pun intended) for unapologetically declaring the truth to a hard-hearted people."

It's hard for me to disagree. I recently re-read Abinadi's words in my own scripture study. A few passages stood out to me:

Abinadi's opponents claimed that "he pretendeth the Lord hath spoken it. ... O king, what great evil hast thou done ... that we should be condemned of God or judged of this man?" (Mosiah 12:12-13).

Abinadi said, "I must fulfil the commandments wherewith God has commanded me; and because I have told you the truth, ye are angry with me. And because I have spoken the word of God ye have judge me that I am mad. ... My words fill you with wonder and amazement, and with anger" (Mosiah 13:4, 8).

Elder Neal A. Maxwell spoke prophetically in 1978 when he said:

"Make no mistake about it, brothers and sisters; in the months and years ahead, events will require of each member that he or she decide whether or not he or she will follow the First Presidency. Members will find it more difficult to halt longer between two opinions (see 1 Kings 18:21). ...

"This is a hard doctrine, but it is a particularly vital doctrine in a society which is becoming more wicked. In short, brothers and sisters, not being ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ includes not being ashamed of the prophets of Jesus Christ."

We certainly have arrived at that day and will be there for some time, I think.

Moroni also spoke directly to those of "the holy church of God": "Why are ye ashamed to take upon you the name of Christ? Why do ye not think that greater is the value of an endless happiness than that misery which never dies---because of the praise of the world?" (Mormon 8:38).

I suppose Pres. Oaks keeps speaking on this topic because people aren't getting the message. The number of those murmuring about it speak to this. I suspect he will continue to speak on it for the same reason.

"They did murmur because they knew not the dealings of that God who had created them" (1 Nephi 2:12).

It's clear to me how the two great commandments work together: You must love others while simultaneously upholding the truths contained in the scriptures and taught by the modern prophets. You don't have to choose only one or the other, in spite of what the world teaches.

In his talk, Pres. Oaks spelled it out, and I don't think he could have spoken more plainly: We will all inherit a kingdom of glory, but only those who will strive to keep all of the commandments will inherit the highest, which is exaltation with our Heavenly Father. Teaching the true nature of those commandments and inviting others to inherit this kingdom is an act of great love, not of condemnation. Conversely, knowing the true path while also teaching others that remaining on a path that leads to lesser things is an acceptable option seems like an act of betrayal.

I realize that there are strong feelings about this topic. But I also believe there is a way for every son and daughter of God to obey this and every other commandment that has been given (see 1 Nephi 3:7). I believe a loving, wise Heavenly Father can and will provide a way for all who wish to find it.

I also find it significant that both the initial announcement of the Family Proclamation and President Oaks's latest talk on the subject occurred in the women's session of general conference. When Pres. Oaks mentioned the "divinely assigned guardians of the eternal family," he was speaking to the women of the Church. In a world that will teach the next generation, including my nieces and nephews, the philosophies of men, mingled with scripture, I will point them toward God's truth and not the world's counterfeits for it.

"Notwithstanding their hardness, let us labor diligently; for if we should cease to labor, we should be brought under condemnation; for we have a labor to perform whilst in this tabernacle of clay, that we may conquer the enemy of all righteousness, and rest our souls in the kingdom of God" (Moroni 9:6).

General Conference April 2019 Review

The latest general conference of the Church was held a couple of weeks ago now. I certainly enjoyed all of the talks I was awake for (forget the fact that I slept through 1½ sessions on Saturday; but I guess that's why they put them online and also publish them in the Ensign in May).

I'm sure you've dying to hear my take on this latest conference. (Admit it, both of you readers; you have been tossing and turning many a night.) So, here it is.

 - We all need to get our houses in order. That was certainly an overarching theme. Pres. Russell M. Nelson said, "Time is running out." When a prophet of God says something like that, better sit up and listen. And then get up and do something about it.

 - The era of temple building is moving forward boldly, with a number of additional temples announced. JB and I watched the Sunday afternoon session at her parents' home in Grantsville, and when a temple was announced for the Tooele valley, they were overjoyed at the news.

 - In our aforementioned dinner out with the Del Carpios and our other Peruvian friends, Elder Del Carpio (who is an Area Authority Seventy) told us a number of things he learned in the general authority training meeting he had attended that Thursday morning. One of the emphases was on the gathering of Israel, and that theme was certainly reflected in many of the conference talks.

Another is on the reclaiming of the one sheep that has strayed from the 99, which was part of the rationale, as he understood it, in the Church reversing its policy on the baptism of children of same-sex parents (a hot-button topic, to be sure, and one I'll discuss a bit more in a future post here; so, buckle up, both of you). See Chapter 10 of Acts for a reference on how the gospel was spread from the Jews to the Gentiles in New Testament times.

 - According to Mormon Newsroom, another item Pres. Nelson shared at one of the general authority training meetings was this statement: "If you folks are not being persecuted on a daily basis, you are not doing your job very well."

Wow. Are we to expect, then, that persecutions of and against the Church and its leaders will increase? And does this apply to all of the other members of the Church, as well?

It certainly sounds like it.

 - Priesthood session, now a once-a-year meeting, returned for this conference, for which my brothers, my nephew Luke, and I gathered at Mom's house to watch Saturday night. The entire First Presidency spoke, and when Pres. Nelson stepped to the pulpit, I was fully expecting a social media fast, not unlike the one he challenged the sisters to take six months ago, for the brethren.

This did not happen. However, he did speak of something no less important:

"Brethren, we need to do better and be better in how we honor the women in our lives, beginning with our wives and daughters, our mothers and sisters.

"It is the foremost duty of each man to love and care for his wife. Become one with her. Be her partner. Make it easy for her to want to be yours. No other interest in life should take priority over building an eternal relationship with her.

"Nothing on TV, a mobile device, or a computer is more important than her well-being. I invite you to do the following: (1) Take an inventory of how you spend your time and where you devote your energy. That will tell you where your heart is. (2) Pray to have your heart attuned to your wife's heart. (3) Seek to bring her joy. (4) Seek her counsel and listen.

"Her input will improve your output."

It sounds like I have a great deal of homework to work on for (at least) the next six months.

Weekend in Midway

JB and I have now made it a whole year as a married couple!

To celebrate our first anniversary together, we went out of town for the weekend to stay at the lovely Zermatt resort up in Midway (our original destination for our honeymoon before I got laryngitis and JB injured her back). While we were there, we also ventured to nearby Park City to tour the Utah Olympic Park, which was one of the highlights of the trip for us both.

The Olympic museum contains many interesting and interactive displays, including this game in which we had to balance a marble on its downhill skiing run:

Outside, we took a look at the snowboarding jumps:

After this, we went on a guided tour of the bobsled, luge, and skeleton runs farther up on the hillside via bus.

At the top, we got this eagle-eye view of the ski jump:

It's a heckuva view, and it was mind-boggling to think of the many athletes who have run these courses with a level of fearlessness I do not possess.

Don't Need No Credit Card

Blogging has been on my mind lately, because the other day I realized it's ten years ago this month that I started my first blog. (Yes, I think about things like this.) Also, I've been thinking about how I haven't been doing all that much blogging lately besides the occasional family photos and short updates and such, and I feel like I need to work on that right now.

Getting married in the spring is a big reason why I've been so busy. It's also a reason now why I feel like I need to be recording more of my thoughts and such, because marriage is still so new for us both, and I've learned a few things in this last little while; I hope they will be of some use to me and/or my family and friends at some point.

The best piece of advice, at least so far, that I've been given regarding marriage: Put your wife's needs and happiness above everything else. I've not been perfect at following that advice, certainly, but when I have followed that counsel, it has blessed us both immensely. And fortunately, I've been extremely blessed with a companion who tries to do the same thing herself.

It's not uncommon to run into both old and new friends lately and to hear the question, almost always in these exact words: "So, how's married life?"

The short answer is that it's wonderful. In fact, it's far better than I'd imagined it would be. I'd even go so far as to say that marriage is somewhat undersold and understated. As a single adult, and I was one for a long time, I didn't quite grasp this concept, but I get it now, and it's something for which it's worth sacrificing.

A couple of times, some of my single friends have asked what my "secret" was or how I got to where I did, and the answer to that is that I don't have any "secret," nor do I know anything they don't already know.

In the words of the great Huey Lewis:

"Don't need money,
Don't take fame
Don't need no credit card
To ride this train."

Oh yes, and one other thing: perseverance.

Yes, my discouraged single friends, those of you who may still lay awake at night wondering if it will ever happen for you: You must keep on trying. No matter how many times your heart has been broken, no matter how frustrating it's been, not matter how tired you are of the dating scene, you must keep trying.

If the horse has thrown you off, you must get back on the horse. You must be willing to risk, for without risk, there is no reward. You must put yourself out there and be vulnerable and allow someone else into your life with the possibility remaining that you will get hurt and/or burned yet again.

It's a long, tough journey, not unlike Frodo's journey with the One Ring, and it doesn't wrap up nicely in ten hours' time. It stinks. I know it does, because I've been there. But it is, nevertheless, the only way.

One day, you will meet someone who will take the pain away. It will fade into oblivion. It doesn't mean your life will be perfect, but you will have someone at your side to fight your battles with you, and you will know joy like you've never known before.

When I hear my friends in their 20s and 30s complain about it all, I chuckle in my head a little bit and say to myself, "Just wait until you get to be my age." No, that doesn't mean you necessarily have several more years of bad dating experiences ahead, but it might. I also recognize a number of other friends who are my age or older who are still dating, who keep trying and praying and wondering if it will ever happen for them, either. Still others have given up completely, and it saddens me to a great degree.

My advice, for whatever my advice is worth, is the same to you all, and I use the words of the great Winston Churchill: "Never, ever ever ever ever give up."

Or, may I paraphrase the scriptures:

"Cheerfully do all things that lie in (your) power; and then may (you) stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed" (D&C 123:17).

Our Reception

So! As you recall from my previous post, JB and I got married last month. What inevitably follows is a reception (because this is Utah after all, and we do weddings big), and ours was held Saturday, April 21, at the Centerville tabernacle.

Family and friends from all walks of life showed up to wish us well. It was a beautiful spring evening, and the company was wonderful, too. Some friends I had not seen in person for decades, and it was great catching up with everyone.

Before the reception officially started, we gathered for family photos. Here are yours truly and JB with 13 of the 14 Plowman nieces and nephews (niblings):

This was our cake:

. . . which neither JB nor I smashed into each other's face, as per previously agreed-upon rules.

Toward the end of the reception, there was dancing. Here's JB and me during our first dance:

. . . and here's the family and friends joining in on doing "The Hustle" to the Bee Gees' "Stayin' Alive":

For those family members and friends reading this who may not have made it there, you were there with us in spirit. We are grateful for each one of you and for all of those who lent a hand to put together a fantastic evening and beginning to our marriage. We have been floored by the number of incredible gifts that were given so thoughtfully by so many of you.

Bombs Away

This was the highlight of the weekend.

I'm a tremendously fortunate individual.

Self-Esteem and Dating . . . and Fathers Day

As I've mentioned previously here on Paco Nation, we males may often find ourselves in a no-win situation in the eyes of a certain culture within our church.

On the one hand, this crowd (1) observes that marriage is either not happening like it used to statistically or is being delayed like never before, and (2) blames the men for it all. You're not dating, men. You're hanging out instead and being selfish and wasting time, and you should be dating. (To be fair, some guys, though not all, have this attitude, and this is criticism is warranted to some extent.) On the other hand, this same culture, whether purposefully or indirectly, also sends out another message, which is that men are inept, bumbling morons whose efforts at dating fall far short of what is wanted, expected, and/or needed.

In other words, collectively speaking, we're danged if we do and danged if we don't. Whatever you do or don't do, guys, your efforts (or lack of them) are wrong.

Society has even redefined the meaning of marriage and parents so that men and fathers are not only optional in family relationships but also totally unnecessary. Just this afternoon I read a "celebrity" tweet: "You don't need a father; so many families work so many ways." This in spite of overwhelming, abundant data from social scientists that fathers are the number-one critical element in preventing or reducing childhood poverty, violent crime, and a host of other ills in our day.

Anyway, getting back to my initial point: I think one of the largely unaddressed and underlying products of this danged-if-you-do-or-don't phenomenon is a number of men who suffer from low self-esteem, and this, rather than selfishness or pride, can often be the underlying cause behind their lack of action when it comes to dating. I feel like I've been one of them. And I can guarantee you there are many in my ward and among my circle of single male friends who feel this way and are frustrated and downtrodden by it. Their confidence in themselves is gone. Some have even become so idle with despair at the whole ugly mess that they have given up trying altogether.

That is why, I think, sometimes men don't know how to react when they finally meet someone who is genuinely interested in them romantically. They've become so disillusioned by this point and are so used to rejection and the messages that they're all nincompoops that they no longer know how to interact with the single ladies nor do they really find it worth the potential criticism and the effort.

They become like the person in Groucho Marx's infamous quip: "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." Their self-loathing message can become: Who would want to date me? I'm worthless.

I bring this up today partially because it's Fathers Day. It's my first one since I lost my dad, and it's a tender one. I find myself reflecting on all of the good things he was and is and the many good things he showed and taught me. As his son, my eyes were often wide open to his faults during my growing-up years. I'm grateful for a day like today in which we can all take time out and praise the good, worthy men in our lives, be they our fathers, father figures, or future fathers.

In addition, I mention these things because I have been one who has suffered from low self-esteem. Over time, I have endured one upon another assault on my self-worth. I've been subjected to not one, not two, but three awful experiences of being repeatedly and relentlessly bullied by other males, and to this day I'm still working through them. I've seen my mistakes pointed out, magnified, and ridiculed by others. I've looked into the mirror and been saddened by what I see.

And yet my message to my fellow guys, in spite of it all, is: Carry on. I know it's hard to love yourself for all of the good qualities you possess, but try to focus on those things. They matter far, far more than your deficiencies, whatever they may be. Someday, you will meet someone who makes you feel wonderful about yourself in spite of your past and present insecurities.

At present, I count myself fortunate to find myself in such a dating relationship. Someone by whom I've been incredibly, unbelievably blessed. She frequently lets me know that I have great worth in her eyes. When one of my weaknesses or challenges makes itself known, things that were dealbreakers for others, she is patient, charitable, and kind. When I worry about things, she tells me, "We'll get through this." She is someone with whom I have both laughed and cried. She makes me want to be better than I am, yet she also sees the good that I have now. As any gentleman would endeavor to do, I try to treat her the same way.

From a guy who has struggled with multiple issues of self-esteem, I'll give out a nickel's worth of free advice to any of my single female friends who may be reading this post: If you want to improve your chances of getting asked out more than you do at present, do whatever you can to make the object of your affection feel good about himself. Pay attention to him. Listen. Give him a compliment. Be sincere. When necessary, be direct. Try to be patient with his faults, and focus on his good qualities. If he has a brain on his shoulders, he'll respond in kind and will treat you the same way.

Happy Fathers Day, guys.

Getting Mad?

"Mad Hatter: 'Have I gone mad?'
Alice: 'I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret: All the best people are.'"
 -Tim Burton's Johnny Depp Starring as the Mad Hatter of Wonderland, Also Featuring a Character Named Alice Sometimes, but Mostly Johnny Depp: Electric Boogaloo, 2 Furious, Etc., Etc.

Some years ago, I came home from a day of school and then work to the news that one of my younger siblings had become engaged to be married to the person who is now my sister-in-law. After springing the news on me, this person's next question surprised me: "Are you mad?"

I say that this question was surprising because, well, the term mad never entered my brain at any stage in the process. This person, of course, did not mean mad in the Mad Hatter sense of mad, but the angry kind of mad.

Are older siblings supposed to get mad when a younger sibling ties the knot? I tried to consult the sibling handbook and couldn't find anything.

I suppose this happens sometimes for some people. If it didn't, we wouldn't have a number of Lifetime movies on the subject of the fury of a woman scorned and then going bat-crud crazy, or of a man who's some weirdo psycho stalker creep who rummages through a girl's trash and then places her discarded yogurt cups under his pillow when he goes to sleep at night.

As we head in to the Valentine's Day season (yes, folks, it's already coming), I've begun to see some cynicism creep up from my fellow single adults about the whole messy thing. And I understand where they're coming from. I get it, because I've wandered into places like that. I've glanced at others finding sought-for happiness and then compared myself to the situation, feeling lonelier still.

It's not very constructive. There's so much anger, cynicism, and negativity floating around out there in the world, and this is not a pleasant place to linger long(er).

When all is said and done, however, it does my heart and my soul a great deal of good to see family members, friends, and acquaintances find what they're desiring most, and it is especially heartwarming to see it among my fellow mid-singles. These are some of my very favorite things to see on my social media feeds. At these times, I am far, far from mad. Yes, even Paco is a bit of a romantic at heart at times like these.

President Boyd K. Packer taught:

"Watched over by a kind and loving Heavenly Father, (we) will not, in the eternal pattern of things, be denied blessings necessary for (our) exaltation, including marriage and family. And it will be sweeter still because of the waiting and the longing."

Take heart, my friends. If they're not currently visible in your life, I believe that great things are around the corner for us all if we keep moving forward in all of the faith and patience we can muster, even if it's just a centimeter or two ahead some days.

Am I bonkers, though? The answer to that question is easy for those who know me best. Stay tuned for a blog post on that . . . sometime.

Hims of the Church

It's not you; it's a lack of hims. Really.

Perhaps you've read or heard about a recent article in Time magazine in which it is asserted that the LDS Church is undergoing a "dating" or a "marriage crisis," and this is because "women are in oversupply." Because "there are now 150 women for every 100 Mormon men in the state of Utah," "heterosexual men are more likely to play the field, and heterosexual women must compete for men's attention." The article even goes on to claim that several of these women are resorting to plastic surgery in order to compete and make themselves stand out from their peers.

"Yes, Mormon men take full advantage." Claims one interviewee, "'They wait for the next, more perfect woman.'"

Another woman interviewed stated that several friends "wound up marrying outside the religion . . . simply because they had no other options," while other friends, "all good LDS girls! . . . gave up on finding a husband and decided to have children on their own."

One female who commented on the post said she is LDS and that where she lives "the men here ARE lazy both outside and inside of the church."

You must certainly get a lot of dates with the perception that 100% of your potential dating partners are lazy, sister, I thought to myself. It must certainly make them feel good about themselves and then want to take you out.

Yet another said, "For men, there are so many choices that choices are not made."

I wish this data made me feel better. In theory, it would lead me to believe that, statistically, all I need to do is show up on Sunday, walk into the chapel, and the aisles of the Island of Misfit Toys, within a matter of minutes, ought to be strewn with piles of the bodies of women clawing each other's eyes out for the right to become the future Mrs. Paco Nation.

"Ought" to. But it does not make me feel better about myself. Not at all, honestly. Because I'm trying, even as imperfect as I am. I'm making a conscious effort to meet people in my ward, even when it is out of my comfort zone. People think that because I do improv I don't have any comfort zone when it comes to meeting the opposite sex, but I can assure you, that comfort zone is quite small indeed.

I'm dating girls in my very large ward. Not one in particular for the moment, but different ones. And the results are . . . mixed. And yes, I realize that if you interviewed the girls I have asked out, they might give you the same reply about me. They might express frustration at some of my habits or tendencies or any other number of issues that make me less than perfect. I know I have them, and I am working on them. Yet the whole difficult process makes me as frustrated as the women interviewed for this article.

Another issue the article brings up: "Maybe it's the women who are holding out for the Mormon or Jewish George Clooney?"

You know, a good, temple recommend-holding guy with muscles and a jeep, who also stars in crappy Batman movies and bobs his head a lot.

I realize there is frustration among the sisters, but the brethren, I can assure you, are frustrated, too, albeit for different reasons. Men read articles like these (or sometimes get it from the priesthood session of general conference) and tend to walk away with the perception that all women are perfectly prioritized and are just dying to get married, while men are responsibility-avoiding, lollygagging, basement-dwelling morons and losers.

It's always good to get both sides of the issue, whatever the issue may be. And I think it's very important to remember that there can be two extremes on this particular issue: one believing that all available LDS men are lazy, uninspired, or self-important baboons, with perhaps the other claiming that all available LDS women are far too careful, choosy, aloof, and judgmental once they hit their 30s.

The truth, I think, lies somewhere in between these extremes. Generalities or stereotypes rarely help anybody. I think it boils down to finding just one good, honest, kind LDS man or woman who is doing his or her best and with whom you enjoy spending time, in spite of the incorrect stereotypes about either gender.

Personally, I'm not looking for perfection. I'm not trying to play any field. I'm not attempting to take "full advantage" of anyone, no matter what Time magazine may assert. I am making choices, even with so many choices available. I'd be happy with just one woman competing for my attention, because she wants to (and not because she has no other options). I'm really just looking for someone who can put up with me for a few hours every few nights, and also who doesn't mind the feel of facial hair on her face every now and then. I don't ask for much.

Is there a crisis? It may depend on whom you ask. Let's just not make things harder than they have to be.

Code Green

Not long ago, I found myself sitting in a movie theater, watching the first of what is expected to be several blockbuster films of the summer of 2015. Chances are, you've seen it, too. I refer tonight to a flick titled The Avengers: Age of Ultron.

Oddly, I found myself sympathizing especially with an unexpected member of the team: Bruce Banner, aka the Incredible Hulk. I say "oddly" because the Hulk is not necessarily my favorite Avenger, nor is he really the favorite of many others I associate with. (Maybe I need to get out more.) In a poignant scene, he finds himself talking alone with Natalia Alianovna Romanova, aka Black Widow.

I'm paraphrasing, but the gist of Banner's speech to her is that he is worried he cannot or will not have the kind of future he really wants. Because of his "condition," putting it lightly, he'll never marry, have children, or have any other semblance of a "normal" life that others enjoy and/or take for granted.

So, why do I sympathize with the Hulkster? Well, I belong to a mid-single adult ward—which I lovingly refer to here on Paco Nation as the Island of Misfit Toys, and sometimes as the Remedial Singles Ward. And I often feel like this very worry expressed by Banner—call it "Code Green," if you will—is the elephant in the room each week at church that nobody wants to talk about directly, and yet it is the very concern is that is very real to each and every person who attends and who longs for that same kind of future.

Perhaps this is why I find myself blogging about the issue so much. I sometimes feel like there is just not enough of a dialogue going on (that, or I'm not reading all of the right LDS-themed articles or blog posts—though I do follow as many as I can—on the matter), because each has his/her own insights and experiences on the matter. If you have a blog and I'm not already reading it, please share it with me. Follow me, and I'll follow you, and all that.

From a simplistic point-of-view, this "Code Green," so to speak, would all seem rather simple. Some basic tenets: "Marriage is ordained of God." To single Latter-day Saint adults, it is a commandment to seek out someone you can get along with for at least more than a few dates and then marry, be like Adam and Eve post-Garden of Eden, etc. Boom, problem solved, and commandment fulfilled.

Instead, it's just not that simple. Unlike all of the other commandments, it's the only one we cannot obey by ourselves, and that "free agency" thing gets in the way. Like Bruce Banner, we all worry to one degree or another about the future and what may or may not happen while simultaneously clinging to faith in things in which we can have faith. Collectively speaking, issues like the big, ugly, hairy monster of dating get in the way and complicate things even more. I feel we're collectively also terrible at communication, and personally I'm working to improve my own skills in any way I can. Big complications with that one. We worry about our own selves and battle problems of self-esteem and self-doubt and "I just am not cut out for this" and whether we really are capable of doing what we've been asked while still believing, somehow, that "the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them" (1 Nephi 3:7).

The whole process is exhausting. At times, it's lonesome, excruciating, and heartbreaking. It makes you feel like you get back, at most, a nickel for every dollar you invest in it. It puts you through the ringer and then back again spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Indeed, it's far more complicated than it looks. But if you start over by breaking it down to a simple Sunday, I think, you can also find moments of joy as you make the journey and attempt to conquer that inner Hulk. That was my simple goal today—while simultaneously making a conscious effort to push that image of the elephant in the room down to fifth or sixth on my Top 10 list of concerns for the day. Our three-hour block was wonderful. I conversed with several old as well as new-ish friends and made a couple of new acquaintances, to boot. The girl I took out on a date this past week even said "hello" and briefly conversed with me (which lately seems to be the exception and not the rule—but more on that topic another day) between meetings.

Baby steps.

When all is said and done, perhaps Hulk is not ready to smash just yet.