Self-Esteem and Dating . . . and Fathers Day

As I've mentioned previously here on Paco Nation, we males may often find ourselves in a no-win situation in the eyes of a certain culture within our church.

On the one hand, this crowd (1) observes that marriage is either not happening like it used to statistically or is being delayed like never before, and (2) blames the men for it all. You're not dating, men. You're hanging out instead and being selfish and wasting time, and you should be dating. (To be fair, some guys, though not all, have this attitude, and this is criticism is warranted to some extent.) On the other hand, this same culture, whether purposefully or indirectly, also sends out another message, which is that men are inept, bumbling morons whose efforts at dating fall far short of what is wanted, expected, and/or needed.

In other words, collectively speaking, we're danged if we do and danged if we don't. Whatever you do or don't do, guys, your efforts (or lack of them) are wrong.

Society has even redefined the meaning of marriage and parents so that men and fathers are not only optional in family relationships but also totally unnecessary. Just this afternoon I read a "celebrity" tweet: "You don't need a father; so many families work so many ways." This in spite of overwhelming, abundant data from social scientists that fathers are the number-one critical element in preventing or reducing childhood poverty, violent crime, and a host of other ills in our day.

Anyway, getting back to my initial point: I think one of the largely unaddressed and underlying products of this danged-if-you-do-or-don't phenomenon is a number of men who suffer from low self-esteem, and this, rather than selfishness or pride, can often be the underlying cause behind their lack of action when it comes to dating. I feel like I've been one of them. And I can guarantee you there are many in my ward and among my circle of single male friends who feel this way and are frustrated and downtrodden by it. Their confidence in themselves is gone. Some have even become so idle with despair at the whole ugly mess that they have given up trying altogether.

That is why, I think, sometimes men don't know how to react when they finally meet someone who is genuinely interested in them romantically. They've become so disillusioned by this point and are so used to rejection and the messages that they're all nincompoops that they no longer know how to interact with the single ladies nor do they really find it worth the potential criticism and the effort.

They become like the person in Groucho Marx's infamous quip: "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." Their self-loathing message can become: Who would want to date me? I'm worthless.

I bring this up today partially because it's Fathers Day. It's my first one since I lost my dad, and it's a tender one. I find myself reflecting on all of the good things he was and is and the many good things he showed and taught me. As his son, my eyes were often wide open to his faults during my growing-up years. I'm grateful for a day like today in which we can all take time out and praise the good, worthy men in our lives, be they our fathers, father figures, or future fathers.

In addition, I mention these things because I have been one who has suffered from low self-esteem. Over time, I have endured one upon another assault on my self-worth. I've been subjected to not one, not two, but three awful experiences of being repeatedly and relentlessly bullied by other males, and to this day I'm still working through them. I've seen my mistakes pointed out, magnified, and ridiculed by others. I've looked into the mirror and been saddened by what I see.

And yet my message to my fellow guys, in spite of it all, is: Carry on. I know it's hard to love yourself for all of the good qualities you possess, but try to focus on those things. They matter far, far more than your deficiencies, whatever they may be. Someday, you will meet someone who makes you feel wonderful about yourself in spite of your past and present insecurities.

At present, I count myself fortunate to find myself in such a dating relationship. Someone by whom I've been incredibly, unbelievably blessed. She frequently lets me know that I have great worth in her eyes. When one of my weaknesses or challenges makes itself known, things that were dealbreakers for others, she is patient, charitable, and kind. When I worry about things, she tells me, "We'll get through this." She is someone with whom I have both laughed and cried. She makes me want to be better than I am, yet she also sees the good that I have now. As any gentleman would endeavor to do, I try to treat her the same way.

From a guy who has struggled with multiple issues of self-esteem, I'll give out a nickel's worth of free advice to any of my single female friends who may be reading this post: If you want to improve your chances of getting asked out more than you do at present, do whatever you can to make the object of your affection feel good about himself. Pay attention to him. Listen. Give him a compliment. Be sincere. When necessary, be direct. Try to be patient with his faults, and focus on his good qualities. If he has a brain on his shoulders, he'll respond in kind and will treat you the same way.

Happy Fathers Day, guys.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

"All the broken hearts in the world still beat;
"Let's not make it harder than it has to be.
Ooh it's all the same thing;
Girls chase boys chase girls."
 -Ingrid Michaelson, "Girls Chase Boys"

I'm gonna get a little candid tonight, folks. But the older I get and the more I try out that singleness thing, the less I really care about being vulnerable like this. So, here goes.

I took my niece out to dinner the other night for her birthday. Maybe you read about it on my award-winning blog.

At one point during the course of the evening, she took the conversation in a rather unexpected direction.

Niece: "How is that girl you brought to family dinner?"
Me (marveling at this girl's candidness and excellent memory, but also stumped for an answer): "She's doing fine, I guess. We're not dating anymore."
Niece: ". . . (Name) is not your girlfriend?"
Me (still in awe of this kid's memory): "No, not for a while now."
After a brief pause, she asked the $64,000 question that she had been leading up to:
Niece: "You should ask her to marry you."
Me (after what seemed like five minutes, but which in reality was only about 10 seconds): ". . . I wanted to. But she didn't want to. That's just the way it goes sometimes."

Later that night, reflecting on this conversation, I had a well-know scripture come to mind:

"And a little child shall lead them" (Isaiah 11:6).

It's amazing how simply a child can see life. To be honest, she makes a great point. The whole miserable process is really very simple in its essence. But we're the ones who make things much, much harder than they have to be.

Life gets in the way in so many ways. Imperfect people make mistakes they don't necessarily intend to make, like being selfish, communicating poorly, keeping their eyes wide open to others' faults while keeping their eyes half-shut to their own, being "nice" over being direct, and a number of other errors. I know because I've inadvertently done them all, and I've felt the sting when others have done the same to me.

This is the point at which the gals will say, "Men are problem, because they do this, and this, and they don't do this," while many of the men (believe you me) feel the same way about the ladies.

If you find yourself in this situation, let me suggest a new strategy: Rather than making it all about someone else, take a good, hard look at yourself. Take charge of the things you can control, and do not worry about the free agency of another. Be your best self. If you're not finding the Captain Moroni or the Rebekah you seek, ask yourself if you are being the Mrs. Captain Moroni or the Isaac that type of person would attract. If you are struggling with a favorite sin or bad habit, pray to overcome it, work as if it all depended on you, and then work on the next thing.

President Spencer W. Kimball taught:

"You might take a careful inventory of your habits, your speech, your appearance, your weight, . . . and your eccentricities. . . . Take each item and analyze it. What do you like in others? What personality traits please you in others? Are your dresses too short, too long, too revealing, too old-fashioned? Does your weight drive off possible suitors? Do you laugh raucously? Are you too selfish? Are you interested only in your own interests or do you project yourself into the lives of others? . . . What do you do to make yourself desirable? Do you overdo or underdo? Too much makeup or too little? Scrupulously clean both physically and morally? What are your eccentricities, if any? I think nearly all people have some. If so, then go to work. Classify them, weigh them, corral them, and eliminate one at a time."

Sooner or later, because "intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence," someone else, using his or her own free agency, will choose to be around you and may even decide to stay, because you're both at the same spot on the straight and narrow, working on the same goals and striving to improve those imperfections.

It's just my two cents on the matter. For an expert's opinion, though, go and see your nearest niece or nephew. It may cost you dinner, but it's an investment well worth making.

Dating: Impossible

Good evening, Paco. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go on a date. Should you not completely botch that up, you might even someday attempt to get a second date or, heaven help us, the delusion you've had for decades now that even a relationship is possible. Let alone anything further than that.

As always, should you choose someone in your ward, or anyone else you might see on a regular basis, and any of your I.M. Force (also you) be caught saying something unintentionally stupid, thus forever putting you in the Friend or Stranger Zone, your date will disavow any knowledge of your actions and will ignore/avoid you, and possibly unfriend you on Facebook. This tape will self-destruct in five or ten minutes. Good luck, Paco.

First, though, let me rewind the tape a bit and explain where I'm coming from today.

Last weekend, as in two weekends ago now, we castaways on the Island of Misfit Toys, aka the mid-singles, the Left Behind, or the Leper Colony, took part in an annual mid-singles conference, which involved people from all over Utah, as well as folks from out of state, and even people out of the country. Those who organized it did a phenomenal job of putting things together and delivered an excellent product.

The event concluded Sunday night with a fireside at the Ute 'tute, at which I'm told 2,500 attended. The featured speakers were Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and his wife, Kristen. I was seated in the overflow, about a half-mile back from the pulpit, but technically I was in the same room as a dedicated servant of the Lord and his wonderful, insightful spouse, and we received some very helpful, very meaningful counsel.

To make a long story even longer, and I promise I'm going somewhere with this, Elder Oaks read as part of his presentation a number of letters from current and former mid-singles who, like many of us, struggle(d) with the dating scene. All but one of the letters Elder Oaks read were from the female point-of-view, I believe. One of the letters touched on what Elder Oaks called the "Peter Pan syndrome," which means that the whole dating thing largely isn't happening, and hanging out is the norm, because many men are selfish, immature individuals who instead of growing up and taking on adult responsibilities are far more concerned with "the accumulation of money, property, car, home, travel, graduation before marriage, etc." than in building a lifetime with someone else. For the first time in our country's history, he said, there are more single adults than married adults, and this concerns the Brethren.

When conversations like these arise about why dating isn't happening, single guys like myself often see the finger of blame (and not always of encouragement) pointed at us, in this and many other settings. And this is because many years ago, sometime after Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden, men lost a Rock-Paper-Scissors game to women and got stuck with the responsibility of being the gender that has to make that move and shoulders that responsibility, and thus it has been ever since.

Elder Oaks is correct, of course. I see a lot of men doing the Peter Pan thing, and I can empathize with the frustration that many ladies must feel about priesthood inaction, so to speak. So, we should own that, collectively speaking, guys. This counsel and message are intentionally given, and should be.

Nevertheless, there are always two sides to a story—are there not? Believe it or not, there are those of us who are actually trying to break out of the mold, who are trying not to be Peter Pans. We've been trying for years now, because we heard these same messages as young single adults and have been dating, or at least trying to date, for years—long before we washed up on the shore of the Island of Misfit Toys. And we are frustrated, too.

Why? Because we often feel like we are caught in a darned-if-you-don't, darned-if-you-do, no-win, catch-22 situation. We hear these calls to date, and we make an effort, and yet the end results of our attempts often leave us feeling even more disillusioned with the whole horrible, gut-wrenching process. We hear our fellow female singles wondering why they don't have dates, and after we've done what we think they asked for and have asked them out or gone on a date, we are often left feeling like asking you out was one of the most offensive things we could possibly do.

Let me stress: This particular message is largely given, I believe—and as a contrast to the intentionally given counsel from Elder Oaks—unintentionally. I'm not trying to offend or alienate anyone here, let alone my own dating pool. And I realize that I may be treading in shallow waters.

Let me give you a few examples of what I mean.

I have previously posted here on Paco Nation about the problems of approachability with some and in trying to get to know those who just don't come to activities or who appear to evacuate the building like it's on fire after church meetings conclude. We can't proceed to the dating stage if you just don't show up or if we otherwise don't get a chance to meet you first. Sometimes, even getting the privilege just to talk to some of you—and it is a privilege—can be very difficult.

In addition, we live with the conflicting messages. One side of society tells us to get busy and to get dating already, OK? The other side keeps reminding us that we're nincompoops, which can put us between a rock and hard place, self-esteem wise. As another single woman put it in a different letter Elder Oaks read: "All of the single men are like parking spots: either handicapped or far out." This is how society portrays us sometimes, and it isn't exactly inspiring once the laughter has died down.

Once we've passed the stage of getting to know you, getting to know at least a little bit about you, getting an actual date with you is not always a guarantee. A fellow single friend of mine recently lamented that he had gone on two dates the previous month, but that was after he had asked out 10 girls. To use a different Rodgers and Hammerstein reference: Sometimes, some of you can be a girl who cain't say yes.

After an actual date has taken place, getting a second date can often be as difficult, if not more difficult, than getting the first one. There are a handful female acquaintances in my ward who will no longer speak to me, for whatever reason. My offense, as far as I can gather, is my last previous social interaction with them, which was having taken them out on a date. Before going on a date, I got along swimmingly with these people. I daresay we were friends even. But now, these few go out of their way to avoid or ignore me.

So, you see, the message—once again, unitentionally—is that having taken you out is possibly the most offensive thing I could've done. The message can be: Ask for a date, lose a friend. Maybe it was a glance, a bad joke, paying with a coupon instead of forking out a whole $50 for dinner—something I've unintentionally done has disqualified me from future social interaction, and I don't know what it is or was.

For the life of me, I don't know why this phenomenon occurs or why this approach is considered more "kind" than taking perhaps 10 to 15 uncomfortable seconds to to tell me something akin to: "I just don't feel any chemistry with you"; "I had a good time with you, but I don't see a relationship going anywhere"; "I don't wanna kill you, but I will"; or some other message that leaves no possible room for misunderstanding. But instead, we play the avoid and ignore game. Society teaches us that this is "kind."  I saw the same thing occur in my YSA ward, and I see it now.

Well, that's all of the potentially-offensive-but-I-sincerely-don't-mean-it-that-way stuff I've got for now. If you have made it to this point, fellow Misfit Toys (and others), thank you for bearing with me, and I welcome your input/feedback. I realize that the bemoaning-your-singleness approach does not necessarily attract people, so I really don't intend to do this type of thing often.

I also urge you to consider that just because you may have read something that doesn't fit your experience doesn't mean that my experiences and frustrations aren't valid, just as your experiences and frustrations are plenty valid. I guarantee you that many other active LDS single men feel this way, because we have conversations about these frustrations frequently.

I cannot judge anyone else's motivations or intents, because they are known to only that person. I can, however, report on observed patterns of behavior and express how they have affected me, and I feel that's what I'm doing with this post. I'm not pointing fingers at any one person, let alone am I trying to malign the female gender. You confuse me sometimes, and I'm trying to understand why you do what you do sometimes.

Of course, if the real issue is you're just not getting asked out by the men you want to ask you out, rather than single men in general, you might try, I don't know, asking them out yourself and seeing where that leads. It is possible, and it's not viewed negatively by us gents. I recently got asked out on a lovely picnic prepared by a sister in my ward, and together we enjoyed a most pleasant afternoon together. It was thoughtfully done and was a wonderful gesture. And we have even had some conversations together after this social outing, too.

So, ladies, what I'm saying overall is: Please be kind to your active LDS single male friends who are trying not to be Peter Pans. According to conference attendance figures, we may even be an endangered species; I'm told that single women outnumbered single men at a 7-to-1 ratio.

With that plea for kindness, I remind you that we're trying (not always succeeding, but trying), per the Golden Rule, to be kind to you in return, because you are wonderful; and not to quote One Direction or anything, but sometimes you really don't know how amazing you truly are. Sometimes, you perplex the snot out of us, and trying to understand the feminine mystique remains one of life's greatest mysteries, but you really are wonderful. I look around me at the wonderful ladies in my ward each week and the recurring thought is that there are still so many of you I'd like to get to know if given the chance.

If any of you, with total recall abilities, bring up that certain Tuesday back in 2003 or 2007 when I said this or did that, and it left you feeling this way about me, well, I validate that. Our actions have consequences, whether intentional or unintentional. I'm not perfect, nor am I claiming perfection here, and neither are you. But together, with understanding and with effort, perhaps we can still somehow form a more perfect union.

*KABOOOOOM*

Hims of the Church

It's not you; it's a lack of hims. Really.

Perhaps you've read or heard about a recent article in Time magazine in which it is asserted that the LDS Church is undergoing a "dating" or a "marriage crisis," and this is because "women are in oversupply." Because "there are now 150 women for every 100 Mormon men in the state of Utah," "heterosexual men are more likely to play the field, and heterosexual women must compete for men's attention." The article even goes on to claim that several of these women are resorting to plastic surgery in order to compete and make themselves stand out from their peers.

"Yes, Mormon men take full advantage." Claims one interviewee, "'They wait for the next, more perfect woman.'"

Another woman interviewed stated that several friends "wound up marrying outside the religion . . . simply because they had no other options," while other friends, "all good LDS girls! . . . gave up on finding a husband and decided to have children on their own."

One female who commented on the post said she is LDS and that where she lives "the men here ARE lazy both outside and inside of the church."

You must certainly get a lot of dates with the perception that 100% of your potential dating partners are lazy, sister, I thought to myself. It must certainly make them feel good about themselves and then want to take you out.

Yet another said, "For men, there are so many choices that choices are not made."

I wish this data made me feel better. In theory, it would lead me to believe that, statistically, all I need to do is show up on Sunday, walk into the chapel, and the aisles of the Island of Misfit Toys, within a matter of minutes, ought to be strewn with piles of the bodies of women clawing each other's eyes out for the right to become the future Mrs. Paco Nation.

"Ought" to. But it does not make me feel better about myself. Not at all, honestly. Because I'm trying, even as imperfect as I am. I'm making a conscious effort to meet people in my ward, even when it is out of my comfort zone. People think that because I do improv I don't have any comfort zone when it comes to meeting the opposite sex, but I can assure you, that comfort zone is quite small indeed.

I'm dating girls in my very large ward. Not one in particular for the moment, but different ones. And the results are . . . mixed. And yes, I realize that if you interviewed the girls I have asked out, they might give you the same reply about me. They might express frustration at some of my habits or tendencies or any other number of issues that make me less than perfect. I know I have them, and I am working on them. Yet the whole difficult process makes me as frustrated as the women interviewed for this article.

Another issue the article brings up: "Maybe it's the women who are holding out for the Mormon or Jewish George Clooney?"

You know, a good, temple recommend-holding guy with muscles and a jeep, who also stars in crappy Batman movies and bobs his head a lot.

I realize there is frustration among the sisters, but the brethren, I can assure you, are frustrated, too, albeit for different reasons. Men read articles like these (or sometimes get it from the priesthood session of general conference) and tend to walk away with the perception that all women are perfectly prioritized and are just dying to get married, while men are responsibility-avoiding, lollygagging, basement-dwelling morons and losers.

It's always good to get both sides of the issue, whatever the issue may be. And I think it's very important to remember that there can be two extremes on this particular issue: one believing that all available LDS men are lazy, uninspired, or self-important baboons, with perhaps the other claiming that all available LDS women are far too careful, choosy, aloof, and judgmental once they hit their 30s.

The truth, I think, lies somewhere in between these extremes. Generalities or stereotypes rarely help anybody. I think it boils down to finding just one good, honest, kind LDS man or woman who is doing his or her best and with whom you enjoy spending time, in spite of the incorrect stereotypes about either gender.

Personally, I'm not looking for perfection. I'm not trying to play any field. I'm not attempting to take "full advantage" of anyone, no matter what Time magazine may assert. I am making choices, even with so many choices available. I'd be happy with just one woman competing for my attention, because she wants to (and not because she has no other options). I'm really just looking for someone who can put up with me for a few hours every few nights, and also who doesn't mind the feel of facial hair on her face every now and then. I don't ask for much.

Is there a crisis? It may depend on whom you ask. Let's just not make things harder than they have to be.

Weekends, Holidays, and All Throughout May

"I before E, EXCEPT after C,
And when sounding like A, as in neighbor and weigh,
And on weekends and holidays and all throughout May,
And you'll always be wrong, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!"
 -Brian Regan

With some people, you just can't win. No matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how you act, and/or no matter how kindly you try to treat them, in spite of their rudeness and/or indifference, they will always be infallible, and you will always be a babbling idiot.

I have a co-worker like this right now. I've tried to get along with this person to the best of my ability. He never says simple, polite things such as "please" or "thank you." Whenever any kind of discrepancy, miscommunication, or other type of problem arises, he always sighs, frowns, shakes his head, and says something such as, "You people in the office!"

When this happens, I pick up my three-hole punch and smash in his teeth.

Actually, that's what I would do if left to my own devices and I weren't, in reality, the loveable, gentle, forgiving, humble soul you all know.

Have you ever dated a person who falls into the category of someone who always has to be right, and this at the expense of you always being wrong? I have, and it doesn't do much for your self-esteem to have this constantly going on.

Earlier today, I read something about Pres. Franklin D. Roosevelt and the fact that, apparently, from the outset of their marriage, his wife apparently criticized and belittled him for decades on end. My heart went out to the guy when I read that. Not a happy place to be, in spite of all of the philandering he took part in (which the book also discusses).

It's tough to turn the other cheek in these moments and while dealing with toxic people like these. But, often, it's really the only option. If you let it, something like this can spoil your entire day.

I'm trying not to let that happen, one encounter at a time. Throughout May and during the rest of the year, as well.