Improvables: Eighth Annual Halloween Show

Last night at CenterPoint Legacy Theatre, it was my troupe's annual Halloween show (our EIGHTH together!), which is one of our favorite nights of the year. I got to take the stage to perform along with Bryan, Cassie, Erica, Keenan, Kelly, Landon, Parker, Richard, and Ricky, with Lorin as MC for the night and Willis on keys.

One of my favorite parts was getting to sing a song about pajamas in the style of the late artist formerly known as Prince, joined by Cassie as Taylor Swift in a duet.

In memory of my Uncle Dexter, who passed away about this time last year, and who was often seen wearing overalls, I wanted to portray a character with overalls this year. So, I chose Wreck-it Ralph, of the Disney movie of the same name.

Our troupe, as always, came up with some amazing costumes, and everyone contributed to making it a wonderful night.

The Belonging You Seek

I'm going to go out on a limb today and make a real-life parallel using an example with something from Star Wars, which I may have done a dozen or so times before now. Also, it gives me an excuse to put up a photo of Daisy Ridley, so there's two reasons right there.

Bear with me.

For those who have not seen Episode VII, The Force Awakens, yet: (1) What's wrong with you? and (2) There is a scene near the middle of the film in which Maz Kanata, she of the Mandarin orange head, speaks to our heroine, scavenger Rey, about her destiny. Rey is worried because she desperately needs to get back home to Jakku, where she has been waiting for her family to return since she was left behind as a little girl.

In reply, Maz tells her that they're never coming back and, in the film's most poignant teaching moment, instructs her: "The belonging you seek is not behind you. It is ahead."

Far be it from me to apply this particular moment to dating, but I'm going to do just that.

I think a good number of us (and here I refer to my fellow single adults) are trapped in the past for one reason or another. I know because I've tried to a date a number of people who lived with something in the past that haunted them and held them back: a previous relationship (even an engagement or marriage) that didn't work out and left them jaded; a death of a close friend or family member; and a bad date or even a stalking experience with a (member of a certain gender), leading to inaccurate belief that all (members of this gender) are bad or perverted or have ulterior motives. I also know because I've had conversations with a number of others, both male and female, about their various experiences.

Now when I list these reasons (and before the hate mail gets sent), let me state for the record that I have been through all of the above difficulties or challenges myself, and I validate them all. I do my best to mourn with those who mourn and to lift the burdens of those who are feeling the weight of their own challenges, too. There is a time to grieve or to be sad about what has transpired.

But when that frame of time stretches from months into years upon years, this is when, I believe, the belonging we seek, held firmly in a past that could never be, holds us back from progressing.

To give you a couple of examples, I dated someone for a short while who Dear John'd me by e-mail, letting me know that a relationship of hers that ended "more than a year ago" that she was "not over yet" meant that she was "just not looking for a relationship right now," even though we had met through an online dating site. (Yes, Paco was once a member of one of those sites. Ask me about it sometime over froyo; your treat.)

Another example is someone I dated who was wracked with guilt over the death of a family member she could have in no way prevented nor helped, and this had occurred a significant amount of time in the past. Despite my willingness to discuss the matter with her for what often seemed like four or five hours toward the end of every date, I could not perform the work of a professional trained to deal with such matters, and she refused to talk to a bishop, or a counselor, or anyone else about the matter. She refused to get help for her anxiety over the matter and was obsessed over the issue to the point of frustration.

Again, I repeat, a reasonable amount of time to grieve is understandable. But when an issue spirals into years upon years, it holds one back. It stops progression. And though we have eternity yet ahead to progress, I think our Heavenly Father also expects us to progress as much as we can here in this Earthly sphere.

Moreover, your decision to drop out of the dating market affects not only you but also another someone you could potentially make happy, and whom could make you happy in return. If not others.

If we will choose to see it, there is so much joy ahead for us all if we will but accept the reality that just about everyone lives with or has faced something very difficult for him/herself, that some degree or another of misery or trials have plagued all of our pasts. One of the great tests of this life is to face those things, to learn what lessons can be learned from them, and then to move forward.

I know this, as well, because I feel like I've had my share of problems, many of them out of my control, and some of which I've already shared here on Paco Nation. Some days, I feel like I've had more than my share.

To us all, I offer these words of encouragement:

"Don't give up, boy. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead—a lot of it. . . . You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

 -Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Unspoken Expectations

"It's not real if you don't feel it.
Unspoken expectations;
Ideals you used to play with."
 -Cyndi Lauper, "Goonies 'R' Good Enough"

One of the great ironies of our time, I think, is that we have more methods of communication now than we've ever had as a society (cell phones, social media, FarmersOnly.com), and yet we, collectively speaking, often seem to be utterly terrible at communicating. And I think this issue contributes to a great deal of the misunderstanding and misery we single adults deal with on a near-constant basis.

For example, many people feel more comfortable texting rather than holding an actual, face-to-face conversation. For a second example, I've actually had more than one singles ward bishop tell me that multiple young ladies in the ward felt they had no other recourse but to employ the help of bishopric members to, in turn, talk to a number of young men in the ward whose romantic intentions were bothering these young ladies. The message to be delivered was, "Leave me alone." This kind of turned the bishopric members into bouncers or goons hired by the mafia. Yet in the vast majority of these cases, no actual stalking was in any way involved; these young ladies just couldn't tell these men, who were for the most part honestly trying to make their intentions known, a direct "thanks, but no thanks" or some other clear message that they weren't interested.

This baffles me. But then again, I don't get calculus, either.

Unspoken expectations—the stuff we really want out of dating—can be frustrating if they are not made clear.

I had a conversation with one of my brothers recently in which he mentioned that a mutual female friend of ours, whom I've met in person maybe twice, wondered why I hadn't asked her out on a date. Well, for one thing, this nice young lady and I have had about three minutes total of actual conversation time. For another, I had gleaned absolutely no inkling from her that she was interested in more than polite conversation. (We men are terrible at distinguishing between someone who is being polite and someone who is actually interested in getting to know us better. This is an unspoken expectation I'm getting out there now.)

As the Peruvians would say (and this is a phrase definitely lost in translation): "No me llamó la atención."

There is nothing at all wrong, ladies, with saying something right to the point, such as: "I think it would be fun if we went out sometime and did (activity)." This is not even you actually asking the guy out, but it is making an unspoken expectation, well, spoken. I have had someone tell me this phrase, or something akin to it, only once in my decades of dating, and honestly I was pleasantly surprised by it. I called her a week or so later for a date, knowing with confidence that she was at least interested already even if she already had plans that week. It didn't work out for us, but I appreciated the honesty and the tactic she employed.

If it turns out that the guy is just not interested when you've been direct like this, well, you've had maybe five to 10 seconds of an uncomfortable moment, and then you can both move on, without wondering about any ifs and not second-guessing anything.

When you're in an actual relationship, well, I think expectations about how you'd like to be treated or things that would make you happy (some would say your "love language") need to be made known.

Two of my relationships in the past few years ended with an "exit interview" in which, in part, the person I had been dating had mentioned things she expected to happen in the relationship—actual specific actions or deeds she'd hoped I would do (you should've done this and this, and I would've appreciated it more if you hadn't done this other thing)—and yet these things were never mentioned until this last time. On both occasions, I asked her for another chance to do those things she had wished I'd been doing all along; and on both occasions, the reply was "no."

In other words, you can't get mad at someone for doing or not doing something important when you don't actually, audibly, clearly tell that person why that thing or things matter to you.

For example, she says: "Golly, there's a lot of dishes in the sink today."
He says: "Yeah, there are!" and continues playing Halo.

A better way to express what you're really trying to say would be the direct approach:

She says: "The dishes are really piling up today, and it's your turn to wash them, Joe."
He (clicking his heels together like one of the Von Trapp children in The Sound of Music): "You're right! Hail Hydra!" (He salutes her, military style.) Also, my name is Walter. (He then does the dishes. Ideally.)

Say what you mean. Don't drop hints. Don't drop no eaves, as Samwise Gamgee would say. I think this is a thing that would help us all.

That's just the opinion of one guy blogging at McDonald's because his home Internet has been down since Monday. I'm here all week, folks!

Out of the Mouth of Babes

"All the broken hearts in the world still beat;
"Let's not make it harder than it has to be.
Ooh it's all the same thing;
Girls chase boys chase girls."
 -Ingrid Michaelson, "Girls Chase Boys"

I'm gonna get a little candid tonight, folks. But the older I get and the more I try out that singleness thing, the less I really care about being vulnerable like this. So, here goes.

I took my niece out to dinner the other night for her birthday. Maybe you read about it on my award-winning blog.

At one point during the course of the evening, she took the conversation in a rather unexpected direction.

Niece: "How is that girl you brought to family dinner?"
Me (marveling at this girl's candidness and excellent memory, but also stumped for an answer): "She's doing fine, I guess. We're not dating anymore."
Niece: ". . . (Name) is not your girlfriend?"
Me (still in awe of this kid's memory): "No, not for a while now."
After a brief pause, she asked the $64,000 question that she had been leading up to:
Niece: "You should ask her to marry you."
Me (after what seemed like five minutes, but which in reality was only about 10 seconds): ". . . I wanted to. But she didn't want to. That's just the way it goes sometimes."

Later that night, reflecting on this conversation, I had a well-know scripture come to mind:

"And a little child shall lead them" (Isaiah 11:6).

It's amazing how simply a child can see life. To be honest, she makes a great point. The whole miserable process is really very simple in its essence. But we're the ones who make things much, much harder than they have to be.

Life gets in the way in so many ways. Imperfect people make mistakes they don't necessarily intend to make, like being selfish, communicating poorly, keeping their eyes wide open to others' faults while keeping their eyes half-shut to their own, being "nice" over being direct, and a number of other errors. I know because I've inadvertently done them all, and I've felt the sting when others have done the same to me.

This is the point at which the gals will say, "Men are problem, because they do this, and this, and they don't do this," while many of the men (believe you me) feel the same way about the ladies.

If you find yourself in this situation, let me suggest a new strategy: Rather than making it all about someone else, take a good, hard look at yourself. Take charge of the things you can control, and do not worry about the free agency of another. Be your best self. If you're not finding the Captain Moroni or the Rebekah you seek, ask yourself if you are being the Mrs. Captain Moroni or the Isaac that type of person would attract. If you are struggling with a favorite sin or bad habit, pray to overcome it, work as if it all depended on you, and then work on the next thing.

President Spencer W. Kimball taught:

"You might take a careful inventory of your habits, your speech, your appearance, your weight, . . . and your eccentricities. . . . Take each item and analyze it. What do you like in others? What personality traits please you in others? Are your dresses too short, too long, too revealing, too old-fashioned? Does your weight drive off possible suitors? Do you laugh raucously? Are you too selfish? Are you interested only in your own interests or do you project yourself into the lives of others? . . . What do you do to make yourself desirable? Do you overdo or underdo? Too much makeup or too little? Scrupulously clean both physically and morally? What are your eccentricities, if any? I think nearly all people have some. If so, then go to work. Classify them, weigh them, corral them, and eliminate one at a time."

Sooner or later, because "intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence," someone else, using his or her own free agency, will choose to be around you and may even decide to stay, because you're both at the same spot on the straight and narrow, working on the same goals and striving to improve those imperfections.

It's just my two cents on the matter. For an expert's opinion, though, go and see your nearest niece or nephew. It may cost you dinner, but it's an investment well worth making.

My Dinner with Kira 2016

As I mentioned in my previous post, my niece Kira turned eight years old last week prior to her LDS baptism. To celebrate her birthday, I picked her up for dinner last night, and we were on our way to Chuck-a-Rama (which was her choice, of course).

A girl after my own heart, she went straight for the macaroni and cheese. After that first plate of mac and cheese (see the photo), she went back for another one. Showing more sense than I possess, she also drank water rather than a sugary soda.

Kids sure know what they like, and Kira is no exception. She's also a fantastic conversationalist and told me all about how she is liking second grade and how she has been enjoying her dance class. I'm grateful to be her uncle.

Kira's Baptism

My niece Kira, who celebrated her 8th birthday last week, was baptized into the LDS Church Saturday by her father, my brother Dave, at their stake center in Woods Cross.

Nearly all of our immediately family members and their kids attended, though sadly none of our Utah County cousins were able to make it. Attendees included most notably Mom, who we're grateful was able to leave the hospital Friday night, fewer than 24 hours before the scheduled baptism ordinance. We certainly view this as a tender mercy, something which I wrote about a great deal in my last post. All week while she was being treated, her goal was to be able to make it home to be able to attend, and sometimes you are allotted those things you want in addition to those things you need. She has to be on oxygen for the time being, so we're taking things a little bit at a time and helping her as best we can as she makes her recovery.

Here's all of the Woods Cross family members, looking sharp:

It was a beautiful day and hopefully a memorable one for a great kid.

Another Birthday and Matters of the Heart

It's actually my niece's birthday today, though more will be coming about her soon, as a landmark event is taking place in her life in the next few days, and we have yet to make our annual birthday excursion together. Assuming she's not too busy . . . unlike some people.

Ahem! I share a birthday week with my niece, and due to circumstances I was unable to prevent, I turned another year older Monday.

I think age 11 or 12 was approximately the last time I fully expected people to make a big deal about my birthday, or at least it should have been. Still, it's wonderful to see people still try to make a fuss, each in their own way.

My caring, faithful Aunt Marilyn, for example, has never missed a single birthday . . . ever. Not even while I was overseas in Peru as a missionary. A letter, birthday card, and some money arrived over the weekend:

. . . and, as was requested, I purchased some ice cream with it:

It's really great to have people send you ice cream money during everything's-pumpkin-flavored season. I do not say sarcastically that this is perhaps one of the Lord's thousands, possibly tens of thousands, of little tender mercies that perhaps I do not always pay attention to, happening all around me daily.

I began the Big Day Itself Monday by conversing with Mom, who had suffered through a terrible weekend of sleeplessness, shortness of breath, and overall exhaustion. Though she had a doctor's appointment scheduled that afternoon, she looked even worse Monday. Her lips had turned blue, and she said, "I feel like I'm having a heart attack."

Off we went to the ER, where it was determined that she was suffering from congestive heart failure. No wonder she couldn't sleep for the past few weeks. The biggest, strongest heart I've ever known was in serious trouble.

With respect to her privacy, I won't go into any more details at this time, except to say that we've been worried, we've prayed, and we've tried to comfort those who stand in need of comfort. We're in the middle of that struggle as I type these words. We don't know exactly what's going to happen at this point, though we are grateful for the dedicated medical personnel seeing to her every need.

Yet during the week, I've also seen my family rally around the cause, sacrificing and giving of themselves freely to help out where help has been needed. I've seen neighbors come over with dinner, which may be one of the most cliché things about Mormon culture, yet it amounts to manna from heaven at times like these.

During general conference over the weekend, President Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught:

"Life is filled with detours and dead ends, trials and challenges of every kind. Each of us has likely had times when distress, anguish, and despair almost consumed us. Yet we are here to have joy? . . ."

"Just as the Savior offers peace that 'passeth all understanding,' He also offers an intensity, depth, and breadth of joy that defy human logic or mortal comprehension. . . . His joy is constant, assuring us that our 'afflictions shall be but a small moment' and be consecrated to our gain."

And so, my Big Day was not really about me (nor did it have to be), but yet in a way it was; for I was surrounded all day by the people I cherish most, and whom love me most. I heard from literally hundreds of friends through social media, texts, e-mails, and phone calls.

Though as a family we lamented the circumstances that brought us together, we had each other, and through the Lord's promises, we will have each other for a long, long time, come heck or high water. And that was and is enough. To me, it is the most important of all of His tender mercies.

Puppy Sitting

This past week, I got to spend four days dog sitting for my brother's family, who went out of state on vacation.

I had a great time with Neala hanging around. There's nothing like falling asleep with a puppy curled up at your feet.

Dogs are good people. They're better people than a lot of people are, in fact.