First Impressions and Second Chances

Topic Number 3 in "Paco's Series on Tips for Getting a Date, But Then Again This Is Paco Blogging Here; He May Not Really Know What He's Talking about, So Take It for Whatever You Will" is: first impressions.

When it comes to the subject of first impressions, I'll never forget when I first saw a missionary I served with, Elder Flores. I first met this elder in the mission office, on the day he arrived in the field. We never spoke at that time, but I sensed that he looked at me kind of . . . strange. It was an odd feeling, and it left me feeling like the guy just didn't like the look of me very much.

I'm happy to say that my initial impression was dead wrong. I didn't see this elder again for several months until I was transferred to serve in the same zone with him in the city of Cusco, Peru. My bad first impression of him dissolved when I shook his hand, got to know him a little bit better, and in time realized that he and I shared much of the same sense of humor and laughed at many of the same things.

Something else I learned about that earlier first impression: Going into the mission field was Elder Flores's first time outside of his native city and that I was, literally, the first gringo (American) he had ever laid eyes on. For him, that first impression was one far different.

Due to a temporary transfer that occurred not long after this, Elder Flores and I even served together as companions for most of a week, and they were joyful days for us both. I learned something about humility from him, because although he stuttered when he spoke, this struggle had given him strength to, at the same time, testify of gospel truths with power and assurance.

What this has to do with meeting new people/dating: First impressions (at least mine) are not always correct. When we meet someone else for the first time, we must consider the possibility that that person might be having a bad day for any number of reasons, or we might be having a bad day, or any number of other issues may factor in to our perception of that person or that person's perception of us.

Sometimes, second, third, fourth, and more impressions give us a pretty good idea of what a person may be like. Sometimes, it takes a few more.

At the same time, no, I'm not saying you should accept a date with someone you already know is not compatible with you or about whom you have some seriously bad vibes.

I know you ladies know what I'm talking about here, because essentially every Jane Austen story and every chick flick involves a romance between two people who instantly hate each other when they first meet and who then grow to love each other over time.

Deserters and Dessert-ers

In addition to being approachable, I feel like mentioning something else tonight that I think may help those who feel like they may not necessarily be meeting the kind of people they wish to meet: be a "dessert-er" and not "deserter."

A friend of mine in the ward coined this phrase, and I use it here with his permission.

One night after institute, this friend and I were talking and were enjoying some of the cookies provided for our refreshment following that night's class. As we were doing so, he observed that a large number of those in attendance got up and headed out for the parking lot shortly after class concluded. He expressed his dismay at this, saying that he preferred those nights far more when "dessert-ers" (those who stayed around to eat dessert and socialize) outweighed the "deserters" (those who promptly headed headed home, abandoning the building as if it were on fire).

In the same vein, I had a conversation with a different friend in the ward recently who expressed this thought: "There are a lot of beautiful girls in our ward, but so many of them don't hang around after church so I can get a chance to know them better. Within a few minutes after the third block gets out, most of them are gone. There are plenty I'd like to get to know, but I'm not going to run out to the parking lot and hunt them down for the opportunity."

From my own perspective, I might add: It's okay to play a little hard to get, whatever you think that cliché might mean. But playing the Osama bin Laden version of hard-to-get makes things much more difficult for us all.

In addition to being approachable, are we lingering a little bit longer at ward or singles events?

I realize, of course, that we're all busy and have lives outside of Church-related events and that people have things and jobs and homework, and some even have kids, while others have TiVo'd programs they'd like to get home to sometimes. Sometimes.

But even if it's just a few extra minutes, consider maybe spending a little bit more time at the meat market next time you go shopping. If you're going to be a carnivore, you'll find that's where the meat is.

Being Approachable

Over on the Island of Misfit Toys, we had our biannual stake conference a few weeks back. Elder Becerra, an Area Seventy, was the presiding authority. To prepare us for the conference, he invited us to complete a few simple tasks such as attending the temple, re-reading our patriarchal blessings, reading one of President Uchtdorf's recent general conference addresses, and . . . going on a date?!

That "simple task," you say, huh? Yes, this was part of his counsel to all adult members of the stake. While for married couples in the other wards of our stake this is something very easy to do, it tends to cause a great deal of anxiety and to be a little bit harder for the Misfit Toys to carry out. When it comes to dates, we have no guarantees.

Then again, it's not an impossible task, either. We believe, after all, that there is no commandment given where there is not a way to accomplish it, do we not? (See 1 Nephi 3:7.)

After this counsel was delivered in sacrament meeting, reactions to the go-on-a-date part of the counsel were varied. I heard a number of different people, both male and female, express doubt about being able to do it. I even observed a few of the sisters say in effect that they could comply with all of the requests only if "by some miracle" they were asked on a date.

About the same time, I came across this quote in a book I was reading:

"The Lord will not translate one's good hopes and desires and intentions into works. Each of us must do that for himself." -Spencer W. Kimball

So, how does that apply to dating, then? What can any of us do to improve our chances of getting a date?

I do not share any of this to single out (no pun intended) any one individual nor to make anyone, especially the sisters, feel bad about a lack of dates. Asking out is largely the man's responsibility, after all, and it is a weight we are frequently reminded that we bear when we attend the priesthood session of general conference, firesides, elders quorum meetings, etc. (In other words, we have constant reminders.) It seems like there is plenty of unnecessary guilt enough already to go around for all of us.

Also, I realize that there are many sisters who may read this who are actively trying to do all of the right things and who are striving meet potential marriage partners but who, for whatever reason, are not getting the kind of dates they want, or even a date at all. It's a darn shame, and I recognize that it is. I'm on your side. I want us all to succeed and to be happy. I know that many of the brethren are frustrated, too, as I wrote in a recent post, and a great deal of that frustration stems from things that some of the ladies do that often unintentionally may make them appear to be uninterested or indifferent when this is not actually the case.

Instead of raking anyone over the coals, instead my hope is to provide some sense of encouragement and to offer, from my own humble point-of-view, a few suggestions that help me personally as a male attempting to obtain female companionship. None of us, male or female, is necessarily powerless when it comes to getting a date, and there a number of things we can do to pursue one without waiting around for the phone to ring or the text message alert to chime and an aforementioned "miracle" to occur.

I start tonight with the phrase "being approachable." Getting a date starts with meeting people, and that begins with being approachable.

I recently read an LDS Living article in which the writer suggested that singles "must always be on the lookout. We must go places where we would want our future spouse to be; we must be approachable; we must be open to possibilities; and we must do those things consistently" (emphasis added).

I googled the phrase "be approachable," and I came up with this great blog post on the subject for those who may have social anxiety (i.e. "shyness") about meeting members of the opposite sex. Among its simple pieces of advice are to smile and to use eye contact. Doing these simple things can help open doors for you and for me, and even the most shy among us can do them without having to say a word.

When it comes to actually speaking, well, if you feel shy about conversing with the opposite sex, start with a close family member, a trusted friend, or a work colleague you get along well with, and practice the art of conversation. Learn to ask questions and to listen to the other person's replies. Be interested in others and in their opinions, goals, and hobbies.

I recently had a conversation, or at least tried to, with a very pretty sister in my ward whom I'd admired from afar for a while. I found this attempt difficult because she gave only one-word answers when I asked her questions. She didn't seem interested in talking to me at all as a friend, let alone as a potential date. She did not seem "approachable" at all.

Sisters, I know that we can give off this vibe sometimes, too. It goes both ways.

No one can be "approachable," either, who is always at home reading books, or playing video games, or watching sports or sitcoms endlessly on TV, or always sitting by or talking to the same people week in and week out. There is a time and a place for any one of these things in moderation, certainly, but someone who is always doing "something else" or is always following the same exact routine is far less "approachable" than those who show up at meetings and activities and put themselves into places where they can meet new people.

Again, none of these tactics will guarantee you a date. Part of the gospel we embrace includes the concept that we must "cheerfully do all things that lie in our power" (D&C 123:17), which means that we exercise faith by endeavoring to control those things we can control, and then we will see the blessing(s) come in the Lord's due time. But being approachable will multiply your chances at getting a date exponentially, and it will help out anyone socially far more than not being approachable.

Improvables: Guest Star

As I mentioned in a recent post, I participated in a whole lot of improv in the month of August. But they were all memorable performances, and I'm grateful for the opportunities to entertain audiences with my fellow improvisers.

Among these shows was a Friday night in which we were joined by our first-ever guest performer, beginning what we hope is at least a semi-regular tradition of guest performers joining us on stage for a one-night-only gig. On this particular Friday, it was Todd Wente, who was already rather well known by CenterPoint audiences for his participation in several musicals and plays over the years, and who is also a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

As it turned out, Todd is quite a natural at improvising, which was no surprise at all to those who had performed with him previously in other productions (it was my first time working with him). It was an enjoyable night for all involved, because we're talking about improv, of course.

Hims of the Church

It's not you; it's a lack of hims. Really.

Perhaps you've read or heard about a recent article in Time magazine in which it is asserted that the LDS Church is undergoing a "dating" or a "marriage crisis," and this is because "women are in oversupply." Because "there are now 150 women for every 100 Mormon men in the state of Utah," "heterosexual men are more likely to play the field, and heterosexual women must compete for men's attention." The article even goes on to claim that several of these women are resorting to plastic surgery in order to compete and make themselves stand out from their peers.

"Yes, Mormon men take full advantage." Claims one interviewee, "'They wait for the next, more perfect woman.'"

Another woman interviewed stated that several friends "wound up marrying outside the religion . . . simply because they had no other options," while other friends, "all good LDS girls! . . . gave up on finding a husband and decided to have children on their own."

One female who commented on the post said she is LDS and that where she lives "the men here ARE lazy both outside and inside of the church."

You must certainly get a lot of dates with the perception that 100% of your potential dating partners are lazy, sister, I thought to myself. It must certainly make them feel good about themselves and then want to take you out.

Yet another said, "For men, there are so many choices that choices are not made."

I wish this data made me feel better. In theory, it would lead me to believe that, statistically, all I need to do is show up on Sunday, walk into the chapel, and the aisles of the Island of Misfit Toys, within a matter of minutes, ought to be strewn with piles of the bodies of women clawing each other's eyes out for the right to become the future Mrs. Paco Nation.

"Ought" to. But it does not make me feel better about myself. Not at all, honestly. Because I'm trying, even as imperfect as I am. I'm making a conscious effort to meet people in my ward, even when it is out of my comfort zone. People think that because I do improv I don't have any comfort zone when it comes to meeting the opposite sex, but I can assure you, that comfort zone is quite small indeed.

I'm dating girls in my very large ward. Not one in particular for the moment, but different ones. And the results are . . . mixed. And yes, I realize that if you interviewed the girls I have asked out, they might give you the same reply about me. They might express frustration at some of my habits or tendencies or any other number of issues that make me less than perfect. I know I have them, and I am working on them. Yet the whole difficult process makes me as frustrated as the women interviewed for this article.

Another issue the article brings up: "Maybe it's the women who are holding out for the Mormon or Jewish George Clooney?"

You know, a good, temple recommend-holding guy with muscles and a jeep, who also stars in crappy Batman movies and bobs his head a lot.

I realize there is frustration among the sisters, but the brethren, I can assure you, are frustrated, too, albeit for different reasons. Men read articles like these (or sometimes get it from the priesthood session of general conference) and tend to walk away with the perception that all women are perfectly prioritized and are just dying to get married, while men are responsibility-avoiding, lollygagging, basement-dwelling morons and losers.

It's always good to get both sides of the issue, whatever the issue may be. And I think it's very important to remember that there can be two extremes on this particular issue: one believing that all available LDS men are lazy, uninspired, or self-important baboons, with perhaps the other claiming that all available LDS women are far too careful, choosy, aloof, and judgmental once they hit their 30s.

The truth, I think, lies somewhere in between these extremes. Generalities or stereotypes rarely help anybody. I think it boils down to finding just one good, honest, kind LDS man or woman who is doing his or her best and with whom you enjoy spending time, in spite of the incorrect stereotypes about either gender.

Personally, I'm not looking for perfection. I'm not trying to play any field. I'm not attempting to take "full advantage" of anyone, no matter what Time magazine may assert. I am making choices, even with so many choices available. I'd be happy with just one woman competing for my attention, because she wants to (and not because she has no other options). I'm really just looking for someone who can put up with me for a few hours every few nights, and also who doesn't mind the feel of facial hair on her face every now and then. I don't ask for much.

Is there a crisis? It may depend on whom you ask. Let's just not make things harder than they have to be.

The Best Medicine

Is laughter really the best medicine?

Not necessarily. Sometimes, actual medicine is the best medicine when someone is ill. But laughter can sure help out a great deal.

Last Saturday, August 29, my fellow Improvables and I journeyed down to Orem to perform a fundraiser show on Centre Stage at Utah Valley University's Sorensen Building, the first time I have ever set foot on that campus (took me long enough, huh?). It was also my first improv show in Utah County in four years, since I last joined ComedySportz as Mr. Voice.

In addition, this night capped off a month (August) of eight total performances for me, which is easily the most I've tallied in any 31-day span as an improviser. Exhausting, yes, at times, but also very rewarding. Those eight shows stretched from Orem in the south up to Farr West in the north, and eastward to Camp Kostopulos (also a very rewarding volunteer experience).

The beneficiary of this fundraiser was a lady who is raising funds for a service dog to assist her with her seizures. Having a good friend who is aided by one of these special canines, I was happy to take part, and as a troupe we were willing and able to help her out in this worthy endeavor, even a little bit.

August Family Dinner

How do we spend our family dinners together on a warm summer evening?

A lot like this, with the s'mores on the menu and good times all around.

Jedi for Hire

I am more than a month late in posting this (said event took place in late July), but here goes.

Sometimes—as in, this was the first time this has happened—my friends hire me to dress up like a Jedi and to come to their children's Disney-themed birthday party to teach these kids and their many friends about the ways of the Force and to lead them in a simulated Jedi light saber battle. It's really fun (sarcasm; it's not) to get dressed in those warm Jedi robes on a hot summer night.

Yes, this really happened. And I have pictures to prove it.

Whom better to ask, right? Plus, they sealed the deal by feeding me barbecued hot dogs and topped it off with pineapple whip (sp?) treats to end the evening.

The idea was that I would talk briefly about the ways of the Force, so I spent at least a half-hour on Wookieepedia boning up on Jedi knowledge. I got about 10 seconds into my summary of this topic before I had lost all of the kids' collective attention spans.

Then, we put the kids on a plank and had them face off with foam "light sabers," this idea being that they "winner" would be the one who knocked the other kid off of the "board." This quickly devolved into the kids attacking especially me with the foam sabers, then using some of the very large cucumbers in this backyard to also pelt me for several minutes.

Do I sound in any way like this was a negative experience for me? Though it was chaotic at times, it wasn't negative in the least. I got to catch up with some old friends, the Lee clan, and meet their kids. Though I left with a few bruises, both from the cucumbers and to my ego, I enjoyed myself immensely when all was said and done.

Next time I'm hired out like this, though, I better get 15,000 credits when we get to Alderaan.