SAD but Not Hopeless

With Daylight Saving Time ending this morning at 2:00 a.m., the sun set a whole lot earlier tonight. And it will continue to set earlier and earlier until the winter solstice in late December, just like it does every year.

With the shortening of days, not coincidentally there is also a higher occurrence of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) in people. As the length of days dwindles and we move closer into the winter, those who suffer from this illness can feel depressed most of the day, lose interest in activities, have low energy or problems sleeping, feel sluggish or agitated, have difficulty concentrating, or feel just hopeless, worthless, or guilty. Some even have frequent thoughts of death or suicide.

I know this because I just googled the term seasonal affective disorder and then found stuff on the Internet. Also, because I have suffered with SAD in years past, as well as with depression throughout the calendar year. I know how very difficult it can be. I've endured all of those symptoms.

There was even a time in my life in which I was so low that depression, coupled with a difficult physical challenge, consumed me to the point I thought there was no way I would recover from either. I remember once uttering the words out loud to a loved one: "I am not going to get better from this. This is going to kill me."

Yet here I am. I'm alive and kicking. Time and experience have helped me learn that horrible times pass, that you can and do get better, that therapies combined with positive daily thought patterns lead to healing.

And while I type this, I also realize at the same time that there are others who have had these same feelings and are no longer with us because they took their own lives.

This is why depression is such a dangerous illness: It makes you believe that this is a rational option, often that it is the one and only way out of your pain and anguish.

I've been to two funerals of friends who committed suicide. I've mourned and wept with their families. I miss them.

It's at times like these that I am reminded I need to talk, or at least blog, about this topic more. Because if I haven't learned empathy for others through my own experiences with depression, then the lessons I've learned have been wasted on me. Because it is so raw and real, my hopes in opening up about it are that it helps somebody, somehow.

Last year, when I was still on the Island of Misfit Toys, I gave a talk in sacrament meeting in which I talked briefly about my experiences with depression. Fast forward to just a few months ago, when JB and I went back to visit the ward on the night our old bishopric bid farewell after being released. I stopped to chat with an acquaintance from the ward who greeted me in the parking lot. He mentioned this talk of mine and told me how grateful he was that I had spoken about depression, because he was going through a really hard time at that time. He thanked me, and I was grateful for the feedback. I followed a prompting, and it made a difference to at least one person.

There is still such a stigma associated with depression. My hope is that by talking about it we can help diminish it.

Finally, and this is my last point for this post: I am among those who used to think, naively, that prophets and Apostles didn't deal with the kinds of problems and challenges we common folk have, and I've learned over the years that it just isn't true. They know far more about it than we think. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland spoke of this in a semi-recent general conference talk (one of the landmark addresses, I think, of the past decade) in which he addressed depression, reminding us that President George Albert Smith and a number of other prominent men and women have dealt with and are living with depression. Truly, God's rain falls "on the just and on the unjust" alike (Matthew 5:45).

While reading through the Old Testament this past week, I came across this passage in my study of the prophet Elijah:

"He himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers" (1 Kings 19:4).

It sounds suspiciously to me like Elijah was depressed, even suicidal. He had to deal with one of the worst and most wicked kings of Israel, Ahab, and his infamous wife, Jezebel, and after much fighting and struggling with a populace that largely didn't believe in the things he tried to teach them, he came to the point at which he just wanted to die.

Fortunately, there is more to this story:

"And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat. And he looked, and behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a cruse of water at his head. And he did eat and drink, and laid him down again. And the angel of the Lord came again the second time, and touched him, and said, Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee" (1 Kings 19:5-7; emphasis added).

"The journey is too great for thee" is certainly a perfect way of describing just how hard it can get for those shouldering very heavy burdens, including the depressed.

I love this passage. We learn that, thousands of years before the TV show "Touched by an Angel," Elijah was literally touched by one, and it apparently saved his life (until he was later carried to heaven in a chariot of fire!).

Whose angel will you be? Whose life will you touch (even save?) with a small act of kindness? If you ever need one, family and friends, I am here for you, at any hour of the day, whatever your demons may be—be they depression or whatever else. If you're thinking you don't matter, you do. If you're contemplating leaving, please, please stay. You are loved, and you matter.

You matter so much that someone whose love surpasses us all suffered and died for you on the cross of Calvary. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 3:16).

That We May All Sit Down in Heaven Together

When I was growing up, I remember seeing a quote by Lucy Mack Smith (Joseph Smith's mother) around the house, which my mom had crocheted (sewn? needle-pointed?) and placed in a picture frame for all who lived there and all visitors to see:

"We must cherish one another, watch over one another, comfort one another, and gain instruction that we may all sit down in heaven together."

I have often referred to this quote for many reasons, but primarily I love the concept of us all sitting down in heaven together. This journey of life is not a competition but a path through which we are meant to help one another reach the same eternal reward. The gospel is inclusive and not exclusive, as we were reminded in this week's Sunday School lesson on the Book of Mormon:

"I speak by way of command unto you that belong to the church; and unto those who do not belong to the church I speak by way of invitation, saying: Come and be baptized unto repentance, that ye also may be partakers of the fruit of the tree of life" (Alma 5:62).

Just as Alma the Younger taught, I want us all to take part of the tree of life. All of us.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been saddened to read some of the comments posted on social media by some people who have turned the tragic, horrific Orlando shooting of June 12 into an attack on Christians, ridiculing the idea that the same Christians who oppose same-sex marriage might also dare to pray for the victims. It's a bizarre series of steps that seems to have led them to this conclusion, but that's not my point today.

One message I saw more than once said, among other things: "You say you'll pray for the victims, for their families, but tomorrow you'll call us sinners and tell us we're going to hell," and: "You care when fifty of us are killed . . . but you don't say a word when we swallow pills by the handful, slit our wrists, pull the trigger ourselves."

It goes on like this. But in case you haven't read it, I think you get the idea.

Let me just say that I can't speak for other Christians, but as for myself, (1) I take the idea of suicide by any human being for any reason very, very seriously, having attended more than one funeral for a friend due to suicide, and also as a person who battles depression, which can be quite terrible and frightening at times, on a daily basis. All life is precious unto God and is also precious to me.

(2) I am a sinner, too. I don't believe any of us going to hell. I don't associate with any bad people. As a sinner, though, I fall short of obeying all of the commandments God has given me, and he has commanded that I obey them all. There are issues and mistakes I still struggle trying to overcome. None of us is perfect, and none should cast the first stone. Thank heaven, literally, for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which gives each and every one of us the opportunity to repent and be cleansed, no matter what our sins may be. Repentance is one of those many commandments I have been commanded to follow. And just as Lucy Mack said all, that means everybody.

Here's the thing about making that return trip home: We don't make the rules. Just as we can't do it on our own, we also don't set the terms. We must be humble, teachable, and willing to follow His plan. We can't rationalize, justify, or excuse ourselves (or others) out of any sin or transgression, "for the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance" (Alma 45:16). Nevertheless, those rules and the great plan of happiness come from an all-wise and all-loving Heavenly Father who loves us perfectly. He is also thoroughly merciful, because "there hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

For any who might be inclined to call me "bigoted," "ignorant," or "hateful," I assure you (1) I have heard them all and (2) I am none of the above. I will not be silent, for I have made covenants to stand as a witness of His plan "at all times and in all things, and in all places" (Mosiah 18:9). Others may wish to remind me that "you can't pray the gay away." Even so, I witness that there are many who experience same-sex attraction who both want to follow God's plan and who choose to do so. I am privileged to associate with them in my hobbies, in my neighborhood, and even in my own ward and elders quorum. They are an inspiration to me to do better and to follow Christ with a fuller purpose of heart.

When Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve visited us in Peru years ago when I was a missionary, among the many important truths he taught us was not to be afraid to preach repentance unto the people, because it is not a punishment; rather, repentance is a great gift by which we can all be healed and return to the presence of God.

That is the very reason why I continue to preach the gospel here on Paco Nation, on social media, in my ward, and elsewhere, even though I no longer wear the missionary nametag each day. For thousands of years, humanity has struggled in vain to find some alternate form of attaining true joy outside of the plan of salvation and the Atonement; and it has yet to find one, because one does not exist.

As I share the gospel principles that have brought me joy with those around me, both in and out of the Church, my motivation is one of brotherly love, inspired by the "love of Christ, which passeth (all) knowledge" (Ephesians 3:19). My ultimate wish is for us all to be worthy to return to live with Heavenly Father, for my mind cannot conceive of any greater blessing to share with all of my brothers and sisters. It is a gift there for the taking for any and all who will wish to take it.

Like Lucy Mack Smith, I want us all to sit down in heaven together.