OCD and Indexing

How does obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) wreak havoc in my life? Let me count the ways.

Then, let me count them again. And again. And again . . . and once again.

Now that that's been taken care of, for now anyway, I've alluded to my struggle with OCD here on Paco Nation a few times before now but have never really devoted a full post to it until tonight. At this point, I really don't have anything to lose. So, here goes.

OCD is defined as "an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions)." Now, if I ever have to give a church talk on the subject, I'll be prepared with that definition.

I stress the unwanted portion of that definition, mind you. OCD affects different people in different ways. Some people, like Jack Nicholson's character in As Good as It Gets, have physical rituals to get them through the day. Others obsess about hand washing and germs. Still, others deal with unwanted thought patterns that occur in repeated cycles.

I am among the third group, I think. There may be more groups/behaviors, but I don't really feel like researching that right now.

OCD first reared its ugly head when I was 13 years old. I remember the first time I encountered it very clearly. It was my first moment feeling truly panicked in life, and I didn't understand why I was feeling panicked about this particular moment. Understanding would not come for years, unfortunately.

Other anxiety-filled episodes recurred over the years, and I realized my OCD wasn't ever going to go away. In particular, it really made some jobs and life as a missionary extremely difficult for me at times. Bless their hearts, my bewildered companions wondered what I was going through almost as much as I did at certain moments, if they weren't making fun of me during those times of indecision. I do not know that I would have reacted any differently from them had I not gone through it all myself.

Recently, members of my ward took part in the Church's worldwide indexing event in the form of a "Family History Hangout," during which a few of us, myself included, learned to index names and information from census files and other forms of data for the first time.

In principle, this was a great idea. But OCD had another thing in store for me. It came out rather quickly on this night, making my brain figuratively explode rather early into the evening as it tried to figure things out when things didn't make a lick of sense.

I will have to give indexing a try again some other time. I see the benefit in it now. At least I didn't run from the room screaming.

It's still an ongoing battle for me, this OCD thing. Nevertheless, where there is knowledge, there is additional hope. Though I didn't understand much about OCD at the onset of my teenage years, I have learned so much about it over time and how I can deal with it in healthy ways. If I look at it from a glass-is-half-full perspective, I see how OCD actually helps me in such things as doing my editing/proofreading work and also in being aware of others' needs.

Now that I've shared all of that, date me all the girls.

Also, I need to now proofread this post a couple of dozen times.