Self-Esteem and Dating . . . and Fathers Day

As I've mentioned previously here on Paco Nation, we males may often find ourselves in a no-win situation in the eyes of a certain culture within our church.

On the one hand, this crowd (1) observes that marriage is either not happening like it used to statistically or is being delayed like never before, and (2) blames the men for it all. You're not dating, men. You're hanging out instead and being selfish and wasting time, and you should be dating. (To be fair, some guys, though not all, have this attitude, and this is criticism is warranted to some extent.) On the other hand, this same culture, whether purposefully or indirectly, also sends out another message, which is that men are inept, bumbling morons whose efforts at dating fall far short of what is wanted, expected, and/or needed.

In other words, collectively speaking, we're danged if we do and danged if we don't. Whatever you do or don't do, guys, your efforts (or lack of them) are wrong.

Society has even redefined the meaning of marriage and parents so that men and fathers are not only optional in family relationships but also totally unnecessary. Just this afternoon I read a "celebrity" tweet: "You don't need a father; so many families work so many ways." This in spite of overwhelming, abundant data from social scientists that fathers are the number-one critical element in preventing or reducing childhood poverty, violent crime, and a host of other ills in our day.

Anyway, getting back to my initial point: I think one of the largely unaddressed and underlying products of this danged-if-you-do-or-don't phenomenon is a number of men who suffer from low self-esteem, and this, rather than selfishness or pride, can often be the underlying cause behind their lack of action when it comes to dating. I feel like I've been one of them. And I can guarantee you there are many in my ward and among my circle of single male friends who feel this way and are frustrated and downtrodden by it. Their confidence in themselves is gone. Some have even become so idle with despair at the whole ugly mess that they have given up trying altogether.

That is why, I think, sometimes men don't know how to react when they finally meet someone who is genuinely interested in them romantically. They've become so disillusioned by this point and are so used to rejection and the messages that they're all nincompoops that they no longer know how to interact with the single ladies nor do they really find it worth the potential criticism and the effort.

They become like the person in Groucho Marx's infamous quip: "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." Their self-loathing message can become: Who would want to date me? I'm worthless.

I bring this up today partially because it's Fathers Day. It's my first one since I lost my dad, and it's a tender one. I find myself reflecting on all of the good things he was and is and the many good things he showed and taught me. As his son, my eyes were often wide open to his faults during my growing-up years. I'm grateful for a day like today in which we can all take time out and praise the good, worthy men in our lives, be they our fathers, father figures, or future fathers.

In addition, I mention these things because I have been one who has suffered from low self-esteem. Over time, I have endured one upon another assault on my self-worth. I've been subjected to not one, not two, but three awful experiences of being repeatedly and relentlessly bullied by other males, and to this day I'm still working through them. I've seen my mistakes pointed out, magnified, and ridiculed by others. I've looked into the mirror and been saddened by what I see.

And yet my message to my fellow guys, in spite of it all, is: Carry on. I know it's hard to love yourself for all of the good qualities you possess, but try to focus on those things. They matter far, far more than your deficiencies, whatever they may be. Someday, you will meet someone who makes you feel wonderful about yourself in spite of your past and present insecurities.

At present, I count myself fortunate to find myself in such a dating relationship. Someone by whom I've been incredibly, unbelievably blessed. She frequently lets me know that I have great worth in her eyes. When one of my weaknesses or challenges makes itself known, things that were dealbreakers for others, she is patient, charitable, and kind. When I worry about things, she tells me, "We'll get through this." She is someone with whom I have both laughed and cried. She makes me want to be better than I am, yet she also sees the good that I have now. As any gentleman would endeavor to do, I try to treat her the same way.

From a guy who has struggled with multiple issues of self-esteem, I'll give out a nickel's worth of free advice to any of my single female friends who may be reading this post: If you want to improve your chances of getting asked out more than you do at present, do whatever you can to make the object of your affection feel good about himself. Pay attention to him. Listen. Give him a compliment. Be sincere. When necessary, be direct. Try to be patient with his faults, and focus on his good qualities. If he has a brain on his shoulders, he'll respond in kind and will treat you the same way.

Happy Fathers Day, guys.

Timing

"Time travels in divers paces with divers persons."
 -William Shakespeare

It's been nearly a year now (and I feel like the time is right to finally mention) since one of the members of the bishopric of the Island of Misfit Toys approached me after our Sunday meetings had concluded and asked if I had a few minutes to meet with him. This got my Paco senses tingling, to borrow a phrase, and I immediately began wondering what would be coming my way.

He proceeded to issue me a new calling in the ward, which I expected. What I didn't expect was the calling itself; it was one for which I would need to pray about the selection of a couple of counselors and a secretary. This, in fact, was my first time dealing with these circumstances since I was called as deacons quorum president a long time ago and in a galaxy far, far away. So to speak.

At the same time this conversation took place, however, I was also dealing with some health challenges that were causing me a great deal of physical and mental distress. I do not need to go over those details again, but suffice me to say that, for the first time in my life, I could give only a qualified yes as an answer. Both physically and mentally, I was utterly drained and was hanging by the end of my rope, yet I I told him would accept the calling and desired with all of my heart to do a good job at it.

President J. Reuben Clark counseled: "In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, one takes the place to which one is duly called, which place one neither seeks nor declines."

I thought over the matter for several days, and some names came to mind. For the aforementioned reasons, though, it was an agonizing series of days that stretched into a week, and then two and three. This bishopric counselor regularly checked in with me over that time period, not pressuring me nor demanding an answer but following up with me with patience.

Ultimately, I reached a point at which the issues I faced my anxiety and its accompanying side effects outweighed the struggle of the physical problem both my doctor and a second opinion were unable to diagnose. I reached a point at which I could not sleep well nor could I eat much if anything, and when I awoke in the mornings, I was filled with dread.

While I was at a family function, this bishopric member called me up on my cell phone, and I went outside to talk with him. I knew that the time had come to make a decision.

"I don't think I can do it," I told him. Inside, I was in shambles. I had reached the end of my rope and fallen off of it, to boot. "I have never said no to a calling. But I just can't do this right now."

With all of the love of a shepherd for his flock, this wise man, I believe, responded perfectly. He assured me that I had no reason to worry nor to feel guilty about it, that he and the bishopric knew of my struggles and were praying for me by name, and he also responded with wisely chosen words that have stayed with me since: "You didn't turn anything down. The calling was always right. It just wasn't the right time."

Over the next several days, one of my doctors, in what I believe was a direct answer to prayer, sent me to the hospital for a test that diagnosed my problem, and within a few days, my physical symptoms abated as my anxiety dissipated. Life got back to "normal," or at least the sense of normal I had at the time. With immense gratitude, I thanked the Lord for guiding me out of the darkness.

In the coming weeks, I watched in sacrament meeting as another was sustained to the calling I had initially been given, and I raised my hand in support of him and the new presidency. And I meant it. Through it all, I actually retained the elders quorum instructor calling, which I have now held for nearly three years (first given to me when the ward was in its infancy). It has been a tremendous blessing and has given me an opportunity to serve. If the lesson is not lost on me, hopefully it has also given me empathy to understand better the burdens others carry.

My point in sharing this experience is twofold. First, I testify from personal experience that issues with anxiety and/or depression, which can reach a point where they feel out of our control, do get better. Secondly, my experience taught me that the time is not always right for some things, even though our desires are righteous or we give our full effort.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught: "Since the Lord wants a people 'tried in all things' (D&C 136:31), how specifically will we be tried? He tells us, I will try the faith and the patience of my people (see Mosiah 23:21). Since faith in the timing of the Lord may be tried, let us learn to say not only, 'Thy will be done,' but patiently also, 'Thy timing be done.'"

The issues for which timing plays a part are myriad, be they work opportunities, health challenges, any number of crises of faith, and even (dare I say it?) dating. Believe you me, those of us who inhabit the Island of Misfit Toys, which by rule consists of single adults age 31 and older, know the struggle as well as anybody.

Sometimes, the answer is even that the timing is right now and things should happen as speedily as possible. I believe this is the case when spiritual promptings are given; often, the urging is to do that very thing right away, or it will be too late.

D&C 111:11 reads: "I will order all things for your good, as fast as ye are able to receive them" (emphasis added).

I heard these words clearly in my mind one night years ago when a sister I home taught in the YSA ward approached me for a blessing. At the time, she was sought for confirmation and peace of mind as she moved ahead with a romantic relationship. I know those words did not come from me. In the weeks that followed, I was amazed at just how quickly things moved forward for her.

In summation, just because things haven't happened yet doesn't mean that the Lord doesn't have great blessings in store. His timing is known to Him only. But I believe a day will come when we will look back on our lives and we will see the pattern of things that unfolded and, in it, His infinite wisdom and His endless love.