The Belonging You Seek

I'm going to go out on a limb today and make a real-life parallel using an example with something from Star Wars, which I may have done a dozen or so times before now. Also, it gives me an excuse to put up a photo of Daisy Ridley, so there's two reasons right there.

Bear with me.

For those who have not seen Episode VII, The Force Awakens, yet: (1) What's wrong with you? and (2) There is a scene near the middle of the film in which Maz Kanata, she of the Mandarin orange head, speaks to our heroine, scavenger Rey, about her destiny. Rey is worried because she desperately needs to get back home to Jakku, where she has been waiting for her family to return since she was left behind as a little girl.

In reply, Maz tells her that they're never coming back and, in the film's most poignant teaching moment, instructs her: "The belonging you seek is not behind you. It is ahead."

Far be it from me to apply this particular moment to dating, but I'm going to do just that.

I think a good number of us (and here I refer to my fellow single adults) are trapped in the past for one reason or another. I know because I've tried to a date a number of people who lived with something in the past that haunted them and held them back: a previous relationship (even an engagement or marriage) that didn't work out and left them jaded; a death of a close friend or family member; and a bad date or even a stalking experience with a (member of a certain gender), leading to inaccurate belief that all (members of this gender) are bad or perverted or have ulterior motives. I also know because I've had conversations with a number of others, both male and female, about their various experiences.

Now when I list these reasons (and before the hate mail gets sent), let me state for the record that I have been through all of the above difficulties or challenges myself, and I validate them all. I do my best to mourn with those who mourn and to lift the burdens of those who are feeling the weight of their own challenges, too. There is a time to grieve or to be sad about what has transpired.

But when that frame of time stretches from months into years upon years, this is when, I believe, the belonging we seek, held firmly in a past that could never be, holds us back from progressing.

To give you a couple of examples, I dated someone for a short while who Dear John'd me by e-mail, letting me know that a relationship of hers that ended "more than a year ago" that she was "not over yet" meant that she was "just not looking for a relationship right now," even though we had met through an online dating site. (Yes, Paco was once a member of one of those sites. Ask me about it sometime over froyo; your treat.)

Another example is someone I dated who was wracked with guilt over the death of a family member she could have in no way prevented nor helped, and this had occurred a significant amount of time in the past. Despite my willingness to discuss the matter with her for what often seemed like four or five hours toward the end of every date, I could not perform the work of a professional trained to deal with such matters, and she refused to talk to a bishop, or a counselor, or anyone else about the matter. She refused to get help for her anxiety over the matter and was obsessed over the issue to the point of frustration.

Again, I repeat, a reasonable amount of time to grieve is understandable. But when an issue spirals into years upon years, it holds one back. It stops progression. And though we have eternity yet ahead to progress, I think our Heavenly Father also expects us to progress as much as we can here in this Earthly sphere.

Moreover, your decision to drop out of the dating market affects not only you but also another someone you could potentially make happy, and whom could make you happy in return. If not others.

If we will choose to see it, there is so much joy ahead for us all if we will but accept the reality that just about everyone lives with or has faced something very difficult for him/herself, that some degree or another of misery or trials have plagued all of our pasts. One of the great tests of this life is to face those things, to learn what lessons can be learned from them, and then to move forward.

I know this, as well, because I feel like I've had my share of problems, many of them out of my control, and some of which I've already shared here on Paco Nation. Some days, I feel like I've had more than my share.

To us all, I offer these words of encouragement:

"Don't give up, boy. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead—a lot of it. . . . You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

 -Elder Jeffrey R. Holland